Guys may think leaving is the right thing to do for the sake of the family, but according to family lawyer David Pisarra, there are a few things they should know before—and after—they walk out that door.
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When couples first marry it’s all bliss and bjs. But they’re also making legal commitments to each other. Too often guys choose to ignore the legal and financial implications of getting married.
In a “community property” state (California, Texas, and eight others), your spouse is entitled to half of every dollar you earn, including every dollar you put into your retirement plan and 401(k). But every dollar her parents gives her is hers—because gifts to one person are separate property. Gifts to both of you are community property.
By the time a marriage is over—and there is a 50-50 chance it will be over at some point—most men are at the “just get me out” stage. They often don’t care about most of the property—800-thread count sheets, tea sets, and fancy kitchen gizmos—that was purchased over the course of the marriage.
But men do care about their kids. This is where they make their biggest mistake. Most of the men I represent will walk 
In my experience, that’s rarely how it happens.
The minute the man leaves the house he is giving his partner control of the kids. The status quo has been established. She has all the stuff and the kids. He’ll be paying child support and seeing his children every other weekend (plus maybe a mid-week dinner).
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With this in mind, how should a guy prepare for divorce?
First, he needs to know what the community property is and that he is entitled to half of it. I’m not saying he needs to take half the silver tea sets—but he should be sure to get half the value of the tea sets. I recommended that he build a room-by-room inventory of things that were purchased during the marriage.
Many men will see taking inventory as petty, or a waste of time, but most courts require that each side disclose to the other all the items of the marriage. There may be some things that he genuinely wants to keep that he would not have thought of otherwise, and there will likely be a considerable number of items that he doesn’t want but should be compensated for.
Second, he needs a plan for how to deal with the children and visitation. He should never leave the house (unless he is in physical danger) without having a plan in place for how the the couple is going to co-parent.
This is a crucial area for men to review—and not just their day-to-day lives. They should consider the holidays and special events throughout the year they want to have with their children. Generally parents alternate holidays—odd numbered years go to one parent and even numbered years to the other—but if there is a particular holiday that’s desired every year, then be prepared to give up some other holiday.
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Then there is the problem of post breakup life. Here’s the good news for men: in my experience, guys generally have a new woman in their life within a year. But be careful—even if your wife is the one who initiated the divorce, she might be sensitive about you dating someone new. Go ahead and date, just don’t introduce your new girlfriend to your kids.
If the divorce gets ugly and your ex is angry, don’t engage her anger with anger. If she gets mad, let her be mad, pick up the kids, and go on about your life. Remember that you will survive this—even if you don’t jump into another relationship right away.
Take some time to be alone. Some men need to hit the gym to work out their anger. Every guy should do some reflection on the relationship—not only on what went wrong, but what was right about your marriage. Go to a 12-step group, see a therapist, or even go to the bookstore.
Just because a relationship changes form doesn’t mean it was all bad. A short period of self-centered emotional healing is a good thing—it will make your next relationship that much better. My ex and I broke up, and once I realized that we were just going in different directions, all the anger dissipated, and today we’re great friends.
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More From Our Special Marriage Section:
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When Tom Forrister transitioned from female to male, his same-sex marriage became a federally-recognized, “traditional” marriage. The one constant was the bond he shared with his wife: My Exemplary, Everyday Marriage
The nightmare of family court is enough to deter a guy from even thinking about tying the knot. Marriage: Just Don’t
Encouraging princess culture—however innocently—contributes to the sexualization of girls. Men can be part of the solution to the “princess problem”: Men and the Sexualization of Young Girls
For all the stories written by and for women on this issue—and there are few—men are more likely to be absent from the public dialogue about intentional childlessness. Why aren’t men’s stories also being heard? Two Is Enough
If you’re married and using Internet porn regularly, your sex life—the one with your wife—is probably a lot less satisfying than it could be: How Porn Can Ruin Your Sex Life—and Your Marriage
Men are more promiscuous than women, but that doesn’t mean we should buy the cultural fallacy that men are programmed to cheat; the vast majority of men are happily, naturally monogamous: Are Men Natural-Born Cheaters?
Tom Matlack talks to married men to find out when they knew their wife was “the one”: She’s the One
As Gabi Coatsworth’s son’s bipolar disorder gave way to full-blown manic episodes, she watched her husband slip deeper into drink and detachment: Reading Between the Silences
Monogamy sounds like “monotony,” but it doesn’t have to be monotonous. Hugo Schwyzer explores how we can have the security—and the novelty—we desire in our relationships: Red-Hot Monogamy
