Values are what guide every decision we make. Or at least they should. If they don’t, we experience cognitive dissonance — the feeling that there is a mismatch between what you know to be right and your actions. It’s that feeling of guilt in your stomach when you sleep in after promising yourself that you’d wake up early and workout. You know what you should’ve done but you didn’t do it. It can result in your feeling anxious, guilty or ashamed. This is why we need a new approach to our values; our current perspective has failed us.
“I have learned that as long as I hold fast to my beliefs and values — and follow my own moral compass — then the only expectations I need to live up to are my own.” ~Michelle Obama
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
What Do Values Mean to Us?
We generally use the word value to mean one of two things. Firstly, when we want to discuss how much something is worth. For example, a house may have a value of $10 million. Secondly, we use the word to describe the principles by which we live. We might say that we hold the values of punctuality and friendliness close to our heart. These two definitions may seem completely unrelated but they share one vital common feature.
Relativity.
With regard to the first definition, everyone intuitively understands this. A house that is valued at $10 million cannot be looked at in isolation. To know the value, we look at other houses that share similar features. We compare it to the house that is next door; in the same area. We consider that this house is slightly bigger than the one next door and we adjust our valuation. Then we look at other houses that have sold in recent times — is the market thriving or is there a housing crash?
It seems obvious that the best way to evaluate the house beyond its raw materials and engineering is to compare it to other houses.
Photo by Binyamin Mellish from Pexels
But does this have any implication for our second definition of value?
I think it does. But it’s far more subtle and most people don’t realize it. Let’s start by asking ourselves three questions:
- Do you believe yourself to be an honest person?
- Are you a hardworking individual?
- Are you kind?
You probably answered yes to all three, so did I. (And if you didn’t, you need to do some thinking — but that’s why we’re here right.) Actually, even if you did answer yes to all three questions, you need to do some thinking. The reason is that it’s easy to answer yes when asked whether you’re honest. Everyone thinks they are an honest person.
A Better Tactic
The approach we should be taking to figure out which values we actually uphold is that of comparison. We have to decide how much our values mean to us by comparing them to other values. If the first definition of values requires this, then the second should also.
Let’s look at an example. Your friend Melissa comes to you in a panic. She’s been caught shoplifting. It was only some food from the local store. You know she’s been struggling with finances and you’ve helped her out as much as you can, but she was desperate that day. Her children needed to eat.
She asks you to lie for her — she wants you to be her alibi. Melissa pleads that you tell the police that she was having coffee with you and, therefore, she could not have stolen the food.
Loyalty vs honesty
Of course, we know it’s wrong to lie — we’ve been told that since preschool. But Melissa is our close friend. Her troubles are causing her life to be torn apart. One white lie can go a long way in helping a friend.
It seems that we may not value honesty as much as we first thought. This realization only comes to fruition when our values are stacked up against each other. We certainly value the loyalty we have to our friends as well as our responsibility to tell the truth. However, it’s all meaningless until those values start conflicting.
That’s why they’re called values!
Because — just like the house — they must be compared to other, similar values for us to see how much they are worth. In other words, we have to determine the value of our values.
What’s happening when we say we’re going to wake up to exercise but don’t? We experience an internal conflict between how much we value our fitness and how much we value the comfort of our cozy bed. And it’s clear that the bed will repeatedly emerge victoriously.
“All sciences are now under the obligation to prepare the ground for the future task of the philosopher, which is to solve the problem of value, to determine the true hierarchy of values.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
Nietzsche’s goal is to solve a deep philosophical problem; establishing a “true hierarchy of values”. This is a daunting task which I do not aim to solve. But I can show you where you should start.
Introspection
You want to better understand why you make certain decisions and why those decisions make you feel a certain way. You know that you should be proud of your actions. So, when you feel the consequences of cognitive dissonance (anxiety, guilt, shame), the first realization that you need to make is that your actions did not align with your values.
The best way to do this is to think about which values you upheld in the most challenging times.
Here’s a list of probing questions that may guide your thought process (the names of the values are in brackets):
- To what extent do you value the time you spend at your day job? Is that greater than the value of the time spent with family and friends? (Career vs Relationship)
- Do you value the benefits of a healthy diet and exercise or do you value the comfort that comes from avoiding them more? (Discipline vs Comfort)
- Is the pleasure gained from smoking cigarettes worth more to you than the health advantages of quitting? (Pleasure vs Health)
- When are you prepared to be dishonest? And for what cause? (Truth vs a greater cause)
- Do you see a greater benefit in saving and investing your money or in spending it on products and experiences? (Growing your wealth vs Enjoying your wealth)
We often look at values as either being good or bad. But a better way may be to assess situations in which our values are challenged. We may not like the decision we made in that situation — it may have brought about an array of negative emotions. Yet, this cognitive dissonance can be remedied. We must have a deep conversation with ourselves. One in which we think about our past decisions and evaluate the emotions that we experienced. It clearly isn’t easy to quit smoking, start a workout regime or reform our diets, but we can start by truly understanding our values. Then we must make the decision to change our ways — that is the first step.
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Previously published on “Change Becomes You”, a Medium publication.
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