When W.F. Price had to choose between paying child support he couldn’t afford or spending six months away from his kids, there was only one real option.
It’s fairly taboo for guys to open up about how they end up in child support arrears, because so many of us still harbor old-fashioned ideas about our duty to provide for our family, whether it’s possible or not. In fact, it’s a huge source of shame for a lot of men, and there isn’t much in the way of pity out there, so the stories aren’t often told.
Well, I figure I ought to break the ice in this regard, as I am currently in arrears, and let people—young men in particular—know how it can happen.
I’ve never been a high earner, nor have I ever been very ambitious about making money, although I’ve worked for the overwhelming majority of my adult life and can’t really imagine not working in some capacity or another. I’m sure my lack of financial motivation had something to do with the breakdown of my marriage (although, actually, it was probably psychologically more of a problem for me than my ex), but before being divorced, I wasn’t aware that it was a potential crime.
As is often the case, separation and divorce were a shock to me. I saw it coming out of the corner of my eye, and was resigned to it in a way, but like the typical man, I was in deep denial and avoidance. When my ex finally ran off to begin her affair with the then-married man she now lives with in British Columbia, together with my children, I was pretty much left prostrate. It turns out the event had been planned, and her mother was involved. Unfortunately, I had fostered a friendship between my boss and my ex-wife’s family after obtaining a job for my ex’s sister, and my ex-mother-in-law used this relationship to my ex’s advantage, essentially cutting me off from employment at exactly the point my ex left me. She would later tell my own mother that she felt justified in this tactic because “it was war.” Of course, for me it was more like Pearl Harbor, where you don’t know it’s war until the bombs are falling right on top of you, but people have all sorts of justifications for whatever they do.
♦◊♦
So, I found myself unemployed in the middle of the worst recession since the 1930s, with limited means, all alone, facing a hostile wife, my children having been seized by her parents. Shortly after I filed for divorce to obtain a visitation schedule so I could see my children on some legal terms, I was falsely accused of making death threats while armed and had tactical officers approach my house with AR-15s. Mercifully, my ex recanted her lies under police questioning, and the officers withdrew before I was shot to pieces in one of those humdrum “domestic disturbance” incidents, but my elderly neighbor nearly had a heart attack from fright, and I learned that men armed with automatic rifles had questioned my neighbors about me in the meanwhile, which was humiliating to say the least.
Obviously, this was going to be an expensive divorce, and quite frankly I didn’t have the money to last long. After my attorney exhausted my retainer within a few months, I was on my own, and I was outclassed. After first admitting that I had never laid a hand on her in anger, my ex, under the guidance of her mother’s lesbian, feminist friends, started claiming abuse. There being no evidence, no corroboration, and no arrests, the judge ignored her (this is a pro forma accusation in custody disputes), but I was totally demoralized. About six months after the separation, under the strain of being broke, under accusations from my ex, with a touch of PTSD from the SWAT incident and taking care of two toddlers alone much of the time, I started having severe anxiety attacks. It got to the point where I had episodes of dissociation—all of the sudden I’d feel as though nothing around me was real. I’d hold onto the nearest branch, rail, or whatever was convenient just to ground myself in reality. I was a mess, but somehow I persevered and maintained some semblance of functionality. I don’t know how I pulled it off, and this is one of the times I’ve managed to surprise myself, but I was a pretty responsible and competent parent throughout all this, taking care of my children, while their mother worked.
During this time, my ex’s attorney started working me, and I did my best pro se, but I had no idea about court schedules, rules, deadlines, etc. It was all a mystery to me, and I didn’t have the time in any event. Nevertheless, I managed to present some facade of resistance, so my ex decided to administer a killing blow. What she did was call CPS (child protective services) on me and accuse me of assaulting my son. She did this exactly as I was undergoing an evaluation by the Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA), in what was a calculated move to deep-six me prior to the trial, which was scheduled for a couple months down the line. Like her earlier attempt to have me arrested, the call had little immediate effect—the CPS agent checked my son and talked to him, interviewed me, and determined the report “unfounded.” I breathed a sigh of relief, but of course I was even more stressed and demoralized than ever. Then, unbelievably, she called CPS again two weeks later, this time accusing me of assaulting my then two-year-old daughter. Again, I had to deal with CPS, and this time they said that, since my daughter was only two, they would be referring the case to the police. I called my former attorney, who told me to relax, but I couldn’t. And of course, I didn’t have the money to pay him, so he did little besides try to reassure me. Fortunately, once again the CPS agent declared the report unfounded, and the police declined the case, but the damage was done. The CASA worker—a grad-school volunteer—decided to err on the side of caution, and before the CPS agent finished the investigation (she had a deadline), she recommended I attend a domestic violence course for six months (typically reserved for convicted offenders), which would cost me thousands of dollars, and that I have supervised visitation of my children until its completion, which meant that I wouldn’t see them for all that time, since I had no family to stay with me at the time.
I was shattered, broken, beaten down. An attorney friend suggested I go to trial pro se, since I couldn’t get a worse deal either way, and he was probably right, but I simply couldn’t handle it—I was spent. Around this time, my ex’s attorney approached me with what looked like a reasonable parenting plan, with decent time with the kids and a minimal amount of conditions. I would have to attend a 10-hour parenting class (so would my ex) and 16 hours of anger management, and there would be no supervised visitation following the parenting class. There was only one catch—I would be imputed with income I didn’t have and pay more child support than I could afford. Thinking of the alternative, which could mean six months of an expensive domestic violence program that would mark me as admitting guilt for something I never did and possibly compromise my parenting time permanently, I signed. After all was said and done, in one of the strangest and most unexpected incidents of the entire affair, my ex’s attorney actually called and offered something like an apology—she said, in a roundabout way, that the CPS and police calls weren’t her idea. I really have no idea what prompted this, but I can only imagine my former attorney must have said something to her about playing dirty.
♦◊♦
Of course, being broke and unemployed, it didn’t take long for arrears to start to build, and it took me some time before I could start paying in full, by which time I was already months behind. My meager bank accounts were seized in the dead of night, I have been threatened by the child support agency, and my credit was reported to all national agencies. There’s a hold on passport renewal with the State Department, my tax returns are subject to seizure, and I could be jailed or have my licenses seized at any time. Given that I am also paying off student loans, becoming “current” will be a rather painful process. Although it’s not a pleasant place to be, at least I know that I am merely one of millions in the same situation, and many have it a lot worse than I do.
Yes, it sounds like an awful mistake, but to me, the time with my kids was worth it. They can throw me in jail, make a pariah out of me, or proclaim me a worthless deadbeat to the entire world, but I am not in the least bit ashamed—my conscience is clear.
However, I still want young men to learn from my own travails. Never go into marriage or fatherhood without being fully aware of the risks they entail. Never look at a young, willing woman without a critical eye, and always be prepared for the worst. And, if you should ever find yourself in this position, don’t lose faith or despair—they can take all your worldly possessions, your children, and even your freedom, but they can never make it right, and there are such things as honor and goodness in the world. Believe it, for yourself and your kids, if for nobody else.
Originally appeared at The Spearhead.
—Photo familymwr/Flickr
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Mr. Price, great write-up on so many fronts. I live in Seattle and would love an opportunity to meet you in person in an effort to share experiences and more importantly, garner some of your wisdom. Not sure you would be interested or how to connect even if you were, but I welcome the opportunity. Best regards.
Savvy article , I was enlightened by the facts – Does someone know where I can get a sample DS-82 example to use ?
I sort of knew Welmer before he started The Spearhead, I feel for him a bit, but think he could have done better for himself before the law. Society at large is not in favor of people exercising their legal rights. There are many things which men & women never considered until they found themselves in the family courts battling it out in probate or divorce court – or maybe in a bankruptcy. The truth is MOST COURTS HAVE FAMILY LAW FACILITATORS AND WORKSHOPS! They offer help with understanding the legal process and basic help with filling out forms. Someone… Read more »
Look up “W.F. Price” elsewhere on the net. Not is he homophobic (despite claiming to have “gay friends”) and misogynist, but he openly admires the Taliban for their manner of implementing their brand of social conservatism! I kid you not. Anything he says anywhere else has to be seen in this light.
Im a dad, and I spent my first day in a family support court last week. In my opinion, from what I’ve seen, there are good dads and bad ones. I don’t want to judge anyone, but I would like to share my thoughts and story. Maybe it can even help someone? My ex filed child support against me, but never served me with paper work. So when court took place, I was not there to represent myself. My ex reported her part time job as only income, and since I was not there to represent myself, the court used… Read more »
I Jonas a deadbeat dad.I got a son in Australia & i dont do nothing for him.my gf tells me dont do nothing & I listen to make her happy.plz make me better father.
I’ve got tons to say, but it would take a book to say it all in! First, I am not a woman hater. I am a lazy bum hater! Yes there are deadbeat dad’s out thee, but I am not one of them. Second, a man is automatically labelled a “deadbeat Dad” if he doesn’t pay child support. This is wrong! Women are just as bad!!! Some are even worse. Read on… I am a piss-poor earner too. Just can’t make a decent living. Enough to get buy, but that’s it. Just the way it is now. Not everyone has… Read more »
This is not the story of a deadbeat dad. This is the story of parental alienation. I don’t think we should let your ex wife off easy by agreeing to the title of deadbeat father when you clearly are not one. Parental alienation is real. It’s despicable. It should be illegal. It shouldn’t be confused with someone who chooses not to take care of the family they helped create. I also do not think we should minimize what actual deadbeat fathers do when they choose to walk away from their kids and their responsibilities without anyone trying to make it… Read more »
No Liz, you are raising sheep. They are going to go off and get married and shorn. That is the whole point of the system. Feed them into the meat grinder and be happy that you did your part.
I was sad at all the negative comments to this article. I never thought of Feminism as man hating. I think that man-haters and women-haters are in the same category of ignorance and denial. I found this article when searching the term “deadbeat dad” because in a class that I attend, someone used the term. In my class (Social Policy and Procedure), I want to point out there are always two sides to every story and as a human service worker we would be wise to curtail our judgments. But that’s just the thing, that frame of mind will not… Read more »
I have seen this so many times.Women are f***** in the head and they cannot be trusted. The best advice that I ever had about woman was “anything that bleeds for 7 days and does not die cannot be trusted”….The best advice that I can give younger men is “screw the ass off of them….don’t get them pregnant…and DON’T get involved with them”…..there is no sense in buying the cow when you can get the milk for free!
Wow you guys in the USA have it tough….that is an extremely unfair and unjust system, and I just feel sad for all the people suffering under it. I’m really glad Australian law is not geared that way, although I know bad stuff still happens to both parties here. I know from a single mum’s point of view our laws have enough consideration for the father’s side of things to give me a lot of sleepless nights, but I’m also glad that here we *must* go through mediation and counselling before anyone’s allowed to call the Family Courts in to… Read more »
This is just the tip of a giant iceberg. People have absolutely no idea what’s going on when it comes to the child support industry. They can do whatever they want. And it’s perfect because the majority of people effected are men. Nobody has sympathy for men. It’s the only time you can go to court and face felony charges and doing time without the support of a public defender.
A woman I know pays support to an acct that fails to deduct what is paid! I’ve read enough horror stories and had my own dealings with child support to say that there is little to no accountability with these people. The ‘state’ as it were surely sides with FEMINISM which minimizes our presence and impact as men, on social aspirations at large. Socialist Utopia HATES the traditional man because it exposes their fake authority.
It is when I read stories like this that I wonder how anyone in America gets married at all. It must take a lot of courage for men to get into something like this. I am South Asian and my brother has been working in the US for about seven years now. Now he says there is this white woman that he wants to get married to. I am worried sick about this since I have read so many horror stories – he won’t know what hit him if there is ever a falling-out. Where I live, courts will go… Read more »
i am Robert hillman ontario canada i am on facebook as rob illman my home email is integrity@cyg.net i raised FOUR CHILDREN three girls and one son for sixteen years I lost two girls to a cult and now only have two left we have no car no job and pay 275 a month rent and people tell us to move into town where we can have NO GARDEN none of our chickens or ducks or geese the dogs would have to be shot NO ONE GIVES A SHIT NO ONE GIVES A DAM infowars com henrymakow com when the… Read more »
“And, if you should ever find yourself in this position, don’t lose faith or despair—they can take all your worldly possessions, your children, and even your freedom, but they can never make it right, and there are such things as honor and goodness in the world. Believe it, for yourself and your kids, if for nobody else.” For all the negative commenters, and for the commenters who are sympathetic (but, like all of us, powerless to impose justice in this situation) please read the conclusion of the article again. For your convenience, it is quoted above. This is an amazing,… Read more »
Well put.
http://www.henrymakow.com/my_fight_with_the_domestic_vio.html
Ya could have posted the original source instead of linking Henry Makow to the thread, no ones going to take anything from that site seriously.
Really? I’ve enjoyed H Ms’ site for ten years now as I believe most of what’s said tells it like it is.
Clearly welmer is a very good man, though misguided in some ways, who still holds out for the union of the sexes, which unfortunately has been irrevocably destroyed by the man haters. Those man haters make it extremely difficult to be a good man, such is the force of their negativity.
Just be glad this didn’t happen to you:
ht tp://www.washingtonpost.com/national/police-believe-texas-mother-killed-son-herself-while-estranged-husband-waited-outside-for-boy/2011/10/21/gIQAvNuc4L_story.ht ml
The family court gave primary physical custody to dad and terminated her parental rights.
Sensing trouble the dad asked the cops to come with him.
The mother shot her 7 y/o son in the head, then herself.
Mothers win primary physical custody even though mothers commit parental abuse 70% of the time (and 70% of the child slayings).
I’d like to see some references for those statistics, please.
Mr. Price:
What happened to you was terrible, and I’m sorry for the suffering experienced by you and your children.
As Welmer shows men are at the mercy of the family court system – which is quite merciless.
Particularly alarming is that your passport can be ‘stayed’
I recommend to all the young fellas at work – Don’t get married, Don’t have kids and Don’t let a woman live in a house you own.(I work in a coal mine and we are paid a LOT of money, so everyone owns at least one house). If they think I’m exaggerating I suggest they spend a day in a family law court. That is the day when the scales will fall from their eyes and they will have an epiphany.
Sounds like a fairly typical divorce in the feminist, man hating world we live in.
I was a lifelong Democrat, because I agree with them on 99% of all issues. However, the democratic party has embraced bigoted feminism and its war on men and boys. This horrifying partnership out-weighs all other policies of the Democratic party, and any persoon who feels compassion for boys, men, or fathers cannot vote Democratic.
My sentiments *exactly*.
Sid says: October 29, 2011 at 3:31 pm …..I don’t visit MGTOW sites because, as a married man with kids, I don’t usually feel very welcome … —– I am an MRA, straight man with 2 daughters and 1 fostergirl, living far away from my own country and married since over 30 years with a foreign wife. I was never a single day jobless and I take care financially for my family. Feminists will call me a loser because of that. I am a moderator on a MGTOW-website (Niceguy) since many years. I cannot believe that you are not welcome… Read more »
A few feminists show up to criticize him so Welmer re-blogs at The Spearhead and they show up to defend him.
Come on Welmer, grow a pair and take a shot at debating outside of your echo chamber where you already don’t debate.
I don’t have the time to read much MRA stuff these days, as World Domination(TM) is taking up too much time. Today is the first time in a week I’ve had to have a look, so wouldn’t have known otherwise.
Cheers!
The Spearhead is NOT an MRA site. At best, it is an MGTOW site with a lot of traditionalist reactionaries.