What do Women Want?
The question has been asked for thousands of years by lonely men looking for love and horny men looking for sex. They want to attract women.
Thousands of answers to this question have been given. Take a quick look on Amazon or surf the net. You’ll see books, videos, courses, etc., describing “fail safe” techniques to find the love of your life or a satisfying one-night stand.
The problem with these approaches is that they are formulaic. They treat women as black boxes. You put in certain inputs for the desired output.
Formulas Do Work… Sorta
As someone who was a shy kid, I can tell you that formulas do work, for the most part. I used them to navigate social situations. I read books on how to make friends and followed the rules when I met a new person or had to go to a party. I would smile, make eye contact, ask a question that showed I was interested without being too personal… these things worked.
The problem was that they only worked to form superficial connections.
If you’re a socially awkward man who has no clue how to approach women, picking up a book or watching a video might not be a bad idea, but realize that it will not get you a real connection with your dream girl.
Part of this is because the science of social connection is based on average responses. There are always going to be outliers.
So, if you’re a man and you try your formula on 10 women, 9 of them might respond the way you want them to. But what if the one that doesn’t is the one you want?
Women are Individuals — Not an Aggregate
I’ve gotten into frustrating discussions with MGTOW types who claim that all women are materialistic and cheaters. These people are the counterparts to the bitter women who think all men are jerks and users.
The reality is that we are all different. Even identical twins aren’t really identical.
Some women really are materialistic. Some are not. Driving a Porsche or living in a Malibu beach house might get one woman to latch on to you, but might leave another one cold.
Some women are attracted to muscular, bulky physiques. Others prefer thin, lanky frames. Back when Twilight was a thing, there was Team Edward and Team Jacob. Not all women want the same thing, so if you’re going to the gym 5 times a week hoping to attract the love of your life, stop. She might not care about your pecs. Go to the gym for yourself, because you want to do it, or don’t bother.
Forming Deeper Connections
Instead of playing games, focus on forming connections.
When you go out on a date, actually pay attention to her. This is a lot harder than memorizing rules, but it’s also more effective.
Sure, you can still wear the right aftershave and recite your mantra. But once you’re with the other person, sticking to your formula will actually make it harder for you to form a connection.
Let’s say over dinner she mentions something from her childhood and goes silent for a moment, a sad look on her face. For a moment, she is vulnerable and open. If you are paying attention to her, you can go deeper into that moment and forge a real connection. But if you are going through your internal list, trying to remember what you need to do next or what the next conversational gambit should be — you’ll miss that moment.
You might get into her panties but you won’t form a satisfying relationship. Even if all you want is sex, the sex will be better if you have a connection.
Different Types of Relationships
Some people want a deep emotional intimacy with their partners. Other people don’t. I didn’t understand this for many years. I just assumed that what I wanted was what everyone else wanted. That was my mistake.
Several years ago, my mother was living with a couple that had a different type of relationship. One day my mom heard the wife crying in their bedroom. She went to the husband to let him know.
He said, “Yeah, she gets like that sometimes.” Then he went back to playing on his computer.
That was their relationship. My mother was appalled. She went to the woman and offered to bring her a glass of water, asked what was the matter, and if she could do anything to help.
My parents would never had looked at a screen while their spouse was crying. In my relationships, I wouldn’t have either, and neither would my partners. I grew up with an emotionally intimate relationship as my model, and that is the type of relationship I want.
But not everyone does. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
What Women Want
Some women want a man who excites them. They want passionate kisses, drama, complexity and fire. Some women want a man who is their best friend. They want to hold hands while they walk in the park with their honey. They want someone they can talk to about anything. Some women want security. They don’t mind taking care of all the housework if it means someone else makes sure the bills get paid and the oil gets changed.
Some women, like myself, want a deep intimate connection with their partner. When my partner hurts, I want to know about it and I want to help, and when I hurt, I want him to be there for me. But other women don’t want this. They prefer to be left alone to deal with their own pain, and they don’t want to get involved in their guy’s issues either.
I might consider that type of relationship superficial and unsatisfying, but some people might consider my type of relationship suffocating.
To Understand What She Wants, Understand Yourself First
Before a man tries to make a connection with a woman, he should first understand himself. If he wants a deep emotional connection, he needs a partner who wants the same thing. If he would prefer something else, that is OK too, but he should figure himself out before he goes out looking for his other half.
Even if he thinks he just wants sex — sometimes just sex comes with all sorts of unexpected emotional ties.
When a man understands himself, it’s easier for him to form a connection with a woman. Forming that connection is the key to figuring out what she wants, and if that meshes with what he wants.
So I guess that’s the answer — women want the same things that men do. Which means the answer to the question is as varied as the number of women out there.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by bruce mars on Unsplash
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