How to Prevent Shame When Your Child Wets the Bed

This post is sponsored by GoodNites®

Both my sons were born to drug addicted parents, and each suffered drug exposure while in their mothers’ bodies. This was a given from the day I became their dad.

With this information, I knew that all learning, whether academic or behavioral, would be more conscious than might be anticipated with kids who did not have such exposure. This gave me one piece of insight that other parents might not have:

Shame had no place in my disciplinary process.

Not only would a guilt inducing mindset be damaging and unproductive, given what my sons had survived at a young age, it would be horrifically unjust. It was also something I had zero interest in which to participate as a parent.

When my son Jesse started having issues with wetting his bed, and I turned to research a process towards resolution, I discovered that this was definitely not uncommon – 1 in 6 children between the ages of 4 and 12 experience bedwetting. Many kids in his situation have shame used on them in a means to rectify the situation.

Not on my watch.

I have always believed in positive discipline and allowing kids to make mistakes without labeling them.  It was never “you are a bad boy,” but rather, “that was not a good choice.”

In terms of bedwetting—it was not even a choice, and in fact, my son’s attitude was one I respected.  “Daddy, I wet the bed,” was said in the tone of a request. It meant “Could you help me please?” I responded in kind.

I like what celebrity dad Ian Ziering says about it in this GoodNites help video: It should be seen as “natural as losing a tooth.”

I agree completely. In fact, with Jesse, we found it to be a positive bonding experience.  He would get up and come find me and share the problem (bedwetting), we would work as a team to problem solve (getting him in dry garments, fixing his bed), and then celebrate our resolution (hugs and kisses with return to a comfy fully made bed). The pattern gave him the subconscious prototype to know what would happen when he brought a life challenge to me, his dad and his advocate.

In the same way, we saw the use of GoodNites^® Bedtime Pants for our boys as a simple garment to wear when you grow. Because they were discreet and easy to use, it never seemed like a big deal. They were almost as cool as his normal boy’s underwear, stretchy and comfortable—and the five layers of protective padding kept his skin safe and the bed dry. 

♦◊♦

Looking back over his life so far, my son likes that he can run to his dad over soiled garments without fear of being judged. He likes that I am the one he cuddled with when he had an upset stomach, moment before he threw up all over my t shirt. He knows I don’t mind because if it is a choice of not getting messy, or being there for him. I will dive into the mess every time.

I know that as we go through our lives together, we will not remember the possessions, the times we locked heads over squabbles, or stupid things we each have said. We will remember how we made each other feel.

He does not remember me shaming him ever, because that never happened. He will remember me thrilling over every developmental pain, and every event that meant he was growing more into himself and the future man he would be.

He takes confidence with him instead.

That is my ultimate gift to him, and my greatest life accomplishment.

♦◊♦

Here are 6 lessons I learned about bedwetting and shame that might be helpful:

• Recognize bedwetting is a natural part of growing up for many kids. You wouldn’t shame a kid who got sick to his stomach and threw up, or fell and got a disgusting cut. Treat wetting the bed the same way.
• Showing your child you care is one of the greatest gifts you can give them as a father or mother. Caring is the opposite of shaming. Your child will remember how you made them feel, and that will last long into adulthood.
• A management tool like GoodNites Bedtime Pants makes everything easier. And the easier the bedwetting is to manage, the less likely you will become emotional when it happens.
• Look to the future. You know that ultimately want you want is a confident child, who is not afraid to get through challenges. Don’t let a short term problem get in the way of that.
• Knowledge decreases fear. There are some great resources and videos on the GoodNites website. You can learn from the experiences of other parents and trusted experts so that your own fears don’t spill over to your child.
• Be your child’s advocate. Imagine if your child was proud of how he or she solved the problem together with you instead of living in fear about telling you. And if he or she knew you would support them in front of other family members as well. It would immediately turn a potentially negative experience into a positive one.