I once had a roommate whose mother died when she was 14. I felt sad for her. Until she started using it as justification for EVERYTHING.
I was renting a house at the time. No pets allowed, but the landlord made an exception for my dog, an effervescent collie who charmed him.
When this person wanted to move in, she asked if she could bring her dog. I explained the rules but offered to intercede with the landlord as long as her dog was well behaved.
Well, the dog was fine. The dog was not the problem. She was the problem. She brought a cat along with the dog. Then she kept adding pets…
I love animals, but I’d signed a lease. I didn’t want to lose my home due to her addiction to strays. I thought this was a reasonable concern.
Apparently I was wrong, because when I tried to talk to her about it, the waterworks began. How could I be so mean? Didn’t I understand how the death of her mother had deprived her of love, love that only warm furry bodies could give her?
This became a pattern. Every time there was an issue we had to deal with, she played the dead mother card.
I was a monster for expecting her to pay the rent on time or to ask her not to borrow my stuff without asking. The emotional manipulation worked the first few times because I really did feel compassion. Then I got fed up. I gave her a month’s notice.
She left, but she wasn’t the only person I’ve seen try to use their pain for gain.
It’s unfortunately not uncommon. People do it all the time and it’s unhealthy.
Men (and women) justify things like hitting their spouse, cheating, breaking a contract, etc., because of experiences they had when they were younger.
Many people do have horrible things happen to them. Heck, I got diagnosed with a deadly cancer when I was in my 30s. I had a friend who had cancer when he was just 24. He never used it to manipulate people. I still remember giving him rides to chemo. Often, he gave me emotional support. When I got cancer, I tried to be like him.
You see, just because you have something horrible happen to you, that’s not a reason to take it out on other people. Your rights are not more important than anyone else’s and your pain is not a justification for using others.
If you’ve been with someone who cheated on you, or you’ve been in an abusive relationship — go to therapy. Lance the wound. Feel the pain. Then let it go. Don’t hold on to it as a weapon against the next person you date.
You should not use an innocent person as your scapegoat for all the wrongs, perceived and real, that you’ve had to deal with.
One of my guy friends started dating a woman whose extremely controlling, suspicious behavior was outrageous. Turned out she was in a lot of pain. Her ex had cheated on and abused her. So she used my innocent friend to work through her issues. He started taking anti-depressants to cope.
We all told him to break up with her, and he didn’t… but she should have gotten therapy before they started dating.
The best way to have healthy relationships is to be healthy yourself.
Life is tough. Bad stuff happens to all of us. And we should have compassion.
If your buddy is sick with the flu, be a good friend and bring them some soup. But if they want to use their illness as an excuse to lash out at you — walk out the door. Don’t enable their dysfunction.
Everyone needs a hand sometimes, and we should all be that hand for each other. But we don’t need to be someone’s crutch.
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This post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Unsplash
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