Why I Told My Child About How Her Dad Hurt My Feelings

I write about my trauma because I’m an advocate for de-stigmatizing mental illness, and many mental health problems stem from trauma. Even if a person does not have a diagnosed mental illness, trauma can cause unbearable emotions, such as pain and shame. Those emotions can overwhelm us, and lead us to make mentally unsound decisions, like hurting ourselves. We don’t want that.

I choose to tell deeply personal stories because I can, and I know that if someone has experienced the same or similar trauma, knowing that they aren’t alone can be healing. I know it can, because knowing I’m not alone has healed me in the past.

Everything in my life doesn’t involve trauma, though. And for all the stories I write where I’m a villain, or there is a villainous figure who’s done something hurtful to me, there are just as many stories of joy. There are stories of gratitude. There are stories that are heartwarming, and showcase the goodness in people.

A few days ago, I got a chance to show my daughter a very nuanced form of misogyny, and also teach her where the bar is, as far as what to expect from a partner.

A couple of weeks ago, her stepdad, who I am now separated from, but who is pretty much my best friend, hurt my feelings. I called him when I was in need of emotional support because I had been sexually harassed, and in response, he essentially victim-blamed me.

I didn’t talk to him for a whole week after that, and I thought that we might never speak again. It would have been so unfortunate, because he’s a good person, and probably the most supportive person in my life. Right now, though, maintaining certain boundaries which are essential to my emotional well-being takes precedence over any relationships I have with my friends.

I’m not down with sexism and misogyny. I’m just not. That oppression is the one that cuts the deepest for me, because in my human experience, living in a female body is the experience that I cannot escape. I’m not saying it’s awful having a female body. I enjoy it for the most part. I think human bodies are beautiful, and it’s nice that my soul gets to drive around in a beautiful, capable vessel.

But just like all beautiful things in life, there are forces out in the world that can exploit those things and make them hurt. So, no. I can’t be your friend if you cannot recognize my humanity. I cannot be your friend if you cannot recognize something as simple as the fact that I have the right to exist in this body without being harassed or otherwise punished because of it.

I trust my daughter’s stepdad, and I can excuse a knee-jerk misogynistic reaction. Yes, I’m a feminist. I’m a feminist who understands that sexism and misogyny are pervasive mindsets that are programmed into us, just as much as they are systemic tools of oppression. We live in a misogynistic world, and we have to actively work to have an egalitarian frame of mind.

We women are human beings, and yet you can still find some of us who are imprisoned into this self-hating school of thought that somehow the responsibility lies with us to ensure that our bodies are not exploited. Some of us fail to see our own humanity, placing a double standard on ourselves and othering ourselves from men.

It’s the way many, if not most of us, were raised. And even when you are repeatedly taught something that maybe you know know is fundamentally wrong as a child, it so hard not to internalize it anyway.

So, I can excuse the knee-jerk reaction, but I expected an apology.

I didn’t ignore him. I wasn’t playing games. I was dead serious. He texted me the next day. I said, “I’m not interested unless it’s an apology.” Not exactly precise, but succinct nonetheless.

He didn’t text back.

Of course, my daughter notices that her parents, who usually talk multiple times per day and laugh and joke around, were suddenly not talking to each other. It didn’t seem to bother her, except once many days had passed, and she realized we still weren’t talking. She said “Oh, my God! Y’all still aren’t talking? Y’all need to just get over it already.”

Not knowing what “it” was, I feel that her reaction shows that she feels assured and secure in her place in both of our lives, and probably even that we’re both level-headed adults who can work out any issues we may have. That makes me happy.

Seven days went by, and then I get a text from him.

Hi. I realized as I was typing my response that I was indeed wrong. I was technically victim-blaming you and I’m 100% sorry. My gut reaction was truly one of initial befuddlement, and then anger at the shithead who took pictures of you. Also, I felt like a failure to you as any kind of protector. Anyway, I’m very sorry my default response was to blame you and I will think more about why that is, and how I can be more present about what my emotions are making me say and do. Sorry.

I didn’t know that he felt like he has a “protector” role in my life, but personally I find it very heartwarming. There was no way he could have been expected to protect me. He wasn’t even there. But my main takeaway from this was that

• He was willing to reflect on his actions, and why they may have hurt me.
• He was willing to look inward, and accept that he might have behaved in a way that was harmful.
• He recognized the core of the issue without me having to tell him.
• And he committed to making a change to try to improve.

What more could I ask for?

Immediately, I thought to myself, “I want this for my daughter.”

So, that’s why I told her how her dad hurt my feelings. I needed her to have the backstory, because I really wanted to showcase to her what I feel was a beautifully executed apology.

It turned out to be a bigger teachable moment than I thought it would be.

She didn’t understand what was wrong with him asking me what I was wearing when I was sexually harassed by this stranger. She said “It’s a valid question, Mom. Maybe your clothes brought his attention to your body.”

This is what I’m talking about when I say that sexism and misogyny are pervasive. PERVASIVE. They’re pervasive as fuck.

I have been raising this little child to see herself as having an equal right to feel safe as anyone else for as long as she can remember. We have taught her that no one else is entitled to her body, and she has demonstrated that she understands that. The has made bold and brave choices in the past to stand up for herself when her boundaries have been violated.

Maybe the difference here is that she is a child. Maybe she has learned that “of course little girls shouldn’t be sexualized”. When I have been teaching her about bodily autonomy, it’s always been,

“You have a right to bodily autonomy.”

“No one should sexualize your body.”

“No one is entitled to access to your body.”

But her body is a child’s body.

Did I forget to teach her that when she becomes a woman, she will still have a right to bodily autonomy? Did I forget to tell her that when she has fully developed breasts and “child-bearing” hips, that she should still expect the same level of respect? Did I forget to tell her that once you have sex, your rights don’t change?

Man, it looks like we have a lot more ground to cover, and we’re about to get to the bridge of womanhood very soon, so we need to be prepared to cross it.

The revelation was overwhelming, so I decided to start small, with this one thing:

As a girl or a woman, our curves existing in the presence of a man does not absolve him of his personal responsibility to control his behavior.

I’m not going to sit here and act like I don’t choose to dress her conservatively, though. I’ve witnessed too much disgusting behavior to be naïve. I’m not going to throw my daughter under the bus for a movement.

That doesn’t mean that I’m not also going to set the bar higher for what she is to expect of the world, and plant a seed for social change within her heart.

It’s a tight rope to walk.

Once that was out of the way, I showed her the apology that her dad wrote to me. I pointed out all of the bullet points that I just pointed out to you. I told her “This is a true apology for something as non-negotiable as this. Your dad has integrity, and he’s very smart. He did the right thing here. If your dad can do this for me and we are no longer together, then I want you to expect nothing less than this kind of respect and consideration from your partner in the future. Do you understand?”

She said she did, but it takes more than one conversation for these types of things to really sink in. That’s why I told her the story and showed her the text.

I’m so incredibly lucky to have an ex-lover and friend who is so open-minded and altruistic. When we were together, I was incredibly lucky to have such an incredibly respectful partner.

We want the same things. He also wants a world where our daughter can have an equal standing in society to all of her peers, free from a double standard. And he’s smart enough to know that if he wants his daughter to live in that world, then we have to work to create that world for all women.