Jim Higley has some thoughts about the epidemic of absent fathers and what can be done about it.
Like Oprah, I have a list of favorite things.
One of my favorite things I received this week was a Post-It note on a package. You see, there was a pre-printed message on the Post-It note that made me smile:
“Good dads are like post-its…they stick around!”
Unfortunately, it was a message that also lead me to some pretty staggering facts.
The package was from a new friend, David Hirsch, founder of the Illinois Fatherhood Initiative. The IFI is the first statewide non-profit group in our country whose mission is to promote responsible fathering and help equip men with tools to become better fathers or father figures.
Sounds good, right?
It also is necessary. Actually, it’s also a crisis.
Did you know that one in three kids in our country lives apart from their biological father? That’s something like 24 million kids! More staggering is the fact that the dads we’re talking about have little contact with their own children:
- One-third of those dads say they have less than one contact per month with their children.
- Over 25% of those dads haven’t had contact with their children in over a year.
The price? Well, it’s paid by our children. Research shows that kids who have no father or father-figure in their life have higher rates of suicide, running away, drug and alcohol problems, and a spectrum of behavioral problems.
♦◊♦
So that Post-It note message took on a very humbling meaning to me once I jumped in and started to learn.
That’s why I’m grateful for groups like the IFI. Raising awareness is certainly the first step to tackling this issue.
One of the coolest things they do to promote the importance of fathering is sponsor a statewide “Father-of-the-Year” Essay Contest. It’s open to any kid in the state from the little ones in kindergarten to the graduating seniors. It gives these young folks a chance to tell the world about the important men in their life. All participants get a complimentary pair of tickets to see the Chicago White Sox and—thanks to hundreds of amazing volunteers—a handful of these kids and the men in their life get honored at a pretty impressive banquet.
It’s a step in the right direction to remind us all of the importance of dads and dad-figures. You can learn more at their website if your school is not participating.
And don’t forget—even us dads who have the privilege and joy of a house full of kids might benefit from asking ourselves how involved we really are in our own kids’ lives. Being “absent” can come in many forms.
Yep, good dads really are like Post-Its. And our reward for that comes in the form of healthy, happy kids.
Ones who, if we’re lucky, just might want to stick around with us in return.
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photo by 3oheme / flickr
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While I think this is good in theory and may help some of the men out there to become better dads, there are also those dads who don’t think they are doing anything wrong and choose not to change. My ex chooses NOT to spend that much time with his children. He CHOSE to live in a different town, he CHOSE to not contact this children on a daily basis, even though there are so many way to do that nowadays (email, FB, texts, the phone). And then he wonders why they don’t tell him things in their life? He… Read more »
There is always a huge dialogue on abortion, the pill, the morning after pill etc etc. But virtually none on reproductive choice for men. In the past I have heard many women say things like “Keep it in your pants”, “Keep it zipped”, “Use a condom” etc etc as the response to “Why don’t men have choices”. Here is the problem, even if they do all those things, it doesn’t (the law I mean) give them a choice to be a father or not. If a woman is able to obtain his sperm (get him drunk, drugged, take the condom… Read more »
Stephen you bring up some excellent points. However times seem to be chaning regarding even sperm banks, there have been some recent court cases that even take away a mans right to privacy when he uses a sperm bank. If this trend continues (and I believe it is only going to get worse), women will not be able to find a man (except husband) to father her child. Perhaps this is why there seems to be a number of researchers out there trying to create artifical spem, perhaps they see the writing on the wall. If I were a man,… Read more »
A footnote to all this, but it’s a major footnote. Male contraception by pill or long-term reversible injection perhaps a year away. In the many responses to this momentous event, the least discussed consequence is by far the most important. Male contraception means FATHERHOOD BY CHOICE. With this medical change, no man need become a father except by his explicit, direct consent and co-operation before and after those magnificent twenty minutes. No man need ever again face a surprise or unwanted pregnancy in any woman he’s been with. The consequences of this change, including for absent fathers, are incalculable. I… Read more »
a footnote to your footnote. Male contraception is ALREADY HERE. Which means you’ve had fatherhood by choice for a VERY long time. it’s called a condom.
Great comments. Every one of them. Thank you. Eric, ideally, I agree with you that adults should be prepared to go the long haul with the one they marry. For me, I’ve come to realize that there are so many situations that fall in the gray area – abusive relationships, abusive parents, substance issues – the list goes on and on. For me, there are plenty of reasons to be understanding of why people make decisions to end a marriage and divorce. Livy, I think you said it so well….the best thing a man can do is love his children.… Read more »
Thank you for writing Jim. I recently received a large envelop filled with letters from my father. He sent them with support checks throughout my childhood. I never knew my father. I wasn’t allowed to ask about him and I never knew of these notes until my mother found them in deep storage and mailed them to me. She stuck post-its on some of them mocking my father’s emotions and ridiculing his desires to visit, to spend time together. I just found and contacted him last Fathers day. We spent a couple days together and had the first conversations of… Read more »
Well something has to be done. My parents divorced and my dad just stopped calling me when I was 13. My mom died of cancer three years ago, and so now I am alone. I can’t seem to form a relationship due to obvious father issues. Despite counselling I can’t seem to stop the fear of being left the way my father left my mother. It has crippled my confidence, and affected every area of my life. Even though he knows my mother has died he still doesn’t bother to contact me. So where does that leave me? I don’t… Read more »
How about stopping women from discarding their husbands and stealing their children with no provocation.
Many otherwise good dads would love to stick around but are driven out by a system that treats men as superfluous to family beyond their ability to earn money.
And no words about family courts and the divorce industry? Really?
I think you missed a key concept Mr. Higley. Try again.
Not a bad idea but it will have little if any impact because it is treating the symptom not the problem. The problem is that people procreate with persons they are not committed to living with forever. If men and women decided that they only terms in which they would procreate was within the context of a stable, healthy, and permanent relationship, there would be no crisis to speak of.
Good dads are good husbands, just as good moms are good wives.
“The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”
Sometimes your life changes, and that commitment cannot be honoured. It is the commitment to your children that is vital. The best thing a father can do for his children is to love THEM.
What an interesting organisation. I’d love to know what is happening on that front here in the UK.
“Sometimes your life changes, and that commitment cannot be honoured.” Actually, your life always changes. That’s part of life, isn’t it?. If a person isn’t prepared and willing to make the necessary commitment to stick with his/her mate despite the inevitable life changes, it’s best to stay single or at least childless. No matter how much you love your children, there are countless life lessons that you will be unable to to teach them, by word and by example if you don’t stay together. A man is going to be a less or even an in-effective father. Of course, the… Read more »
Although I believed with all my heart that I could be married and a part of a growing family forever, I did not have the role models and developed instincts to be able to deal with the many obstacles and challenges that were presented. It seems that you likely had role models in your life Eric. I had no way of knowing that I wasn’t able to be functional when I was completely unprepared. There is no manual to read, classes and testing for a license. I thought that I was ok. We only have what we are given through… Read more »