When you wake up in the morning, what is the first thing on your mind?
Maybe it’s breakfast… or coffee! (Ahhh, coffee.)
Maybe you get up early enough to have some quiet time all to yourself. Or maybe you’re one of those people who like to hit the gym first-thing. Maybe you love your job. Or maybe you hate it, but you still need the paycheck so you can go out on the weekend and do what you really love.
Then again, maybe you’re in a situation where all you can think about is just getting through the day — survival mode. Or maybe you’re all set up, haven’t got a care in the world, and you can sleep in until noon. There’s still something lurking in your subconscious. It could be just about anything, but it’s probably not what you think it is.
Let me put it differently: What motivates you to get up in the morning?
What if I were to tell you that the same thing that motivates me, motivates you. In fact, there is a common factor that motivates all of us to do what we do, every single day.
Let’s go back to coffee. (This guy must be from Seattle.) Why do we like coffee so much? Is it the taste, or the smell, or the jolt it gives us?
Well, let’s be honest with ourselves, it doesn’t really taste very good. Face it, if you like black coffee, your taste buds are shot. Don’t get me wrong, I like coffee, but like many adult beverages, it’s an acquired taste. So why do we acquire it in the first place? After all, there are probably millions of people drinking it right now. You might even be drinking a cup while you’re reading this.
The question remains: Why do we drink it?
Yes, the caffeine is addictive; but not in the same way as nicotine or other drugs. (And, thankfully, not as hazardous to our health.) If you want to quit, you can quit. The worst you’ll get is a pounding headache for a day or so, and that feeling that you’re stuck in the slow lane driving a Pinto when everyone else is passing you in a BMW. (Yes, he’s definitely from Seattle.)
So they grow coffee plants in tropical climates, ship it all around the world, and roast this bitter bean so that we can grind it up, run hot water through it and drink the dark brown liquid. Most of us can’t drink it straight, so we add milk and sweeteners to make it more palatable.
Why? So we can get up in the morning. We fool ourselves into thinking that it tastes good so that we have something to look forward to. It’s like circular reasoning. Pretty soon we need it throughout the day just to keep going.
But what’s the real reason for getting up in the first place?
We strive, and we strive for… what? We drink coffee so we can keep up with everyone else and strive even more. What is it? Is it a job and paycheck? Really? Is that all it comes down to?
I don’t think so. We all want something out of life. Something more than what we see.
We get up in the morning and work a lousy job and get a lousy paycheck for the same reason that we acquire tastes for bitter beverages.
We do all this so that people will respect us.
Don’t believe me?
Ask yourself this: If I no longer could afford to buy a simple cup of black coffee, what would I be worried about the most?
I guarantee you it wouldn’t be the lack of caffeine. (Though, you might tell yourself that.)
Sure, you might have bigger problems, like being able to buy food, or pay the rent. But if all your friends are drinking coffee, and you suddenly can’t, I can tell you right now that you would be more worried about what they are thinking than anything else.
Is that pride? Ego? Maybe. But actually, it’s more fundamental than that.
The reality is, we all have an insatiable need to be respected. Whether we admit it or not, we crave respect more than anything.
(Even more than love?) Yes, even more than love. Because when love fails us, what do we fall back on? Think about it.
What’s love got to do with it?
You go through a nasty breakup, and for a time it feels like your world is falling apart. People respond in different ways. You might get depressed, or you might get angry, or you might just try to shove your feelings aside and pretend it never happened. (Or all of the above.)
How much violence in this world is prompted by lost love? Whether it is lifelong abuse, a wrecked relation-”ship”, or a simple rejection, it can be a very powerful force.
But what is really behind it?
By this time, those feelings of love have probably been replaced with some equally strong, but opposite feelings. You might even say, “I hate her.”
So it’s not about love anymore, is it? It’s about what that person did to you. Or, at least what you feel they did to you. They rejected you. And you feel disrespected.
Now, maybe she was right about you. If you were being a real jerk, then she probably did the right thing. If you recognize this, then you might tend to get depressed and lonely, because “if she doesn’t want me, then who will?”
Not properly dealt with it can lead to suicidal thoughts, even psychotic behavior. If you don’t see why they broke it off, then you might get angry.
“Who does she think she is?”
You might even throw some threats out there just to see how she responds. And when she ignores your threats, then you have to either back them up, or back down.
This is a perfect setup to domestic violence. Sometimes it can go even futher down the dark path. It is exactly the kind of thing that prompted the deadly shootings at the schools in Parkland, FL and Marysville, WA, and possibly many others. All of this is rooted in respect — not love.
(Okay, it’s getting heavy, so let’s move on.)
Contrast that with the feelings we get when we get a promotion and a raise. Both of those things boost our respect level among our peers, and consequently our self-respect. With more responsibility, we have more influence. Influence certainly gives a boost to respect.
So let’s talk about money.
With more money, we have more spending power. Spending power gives us a great feeling, doesn’t it? Even if we don’t spend it all, we feel better about ourselves, because we can afford more. When we buy more stuff, and people notice. (Especially if we lavish them with gifts.)
From the time we are kids, wanting a video game or a bike, it can mean the difference between buying something used, at a garage sale (or getting hand-me-downs) and buying something brand-new. As a kid, there’s no better feeling than opening a shiny new package.
But as adults, we know better, right? We’re more practical. Mmmm… maybe. Some people get a sense of pride from getting a great deal. But that’s just another way of increasing your spending power. Why, because having stuff means you have influence. It’s been that way since the beginning of time.
Truth is, we all like our stuff, but more than that, we like it when people notice we have stuff. It doesn’t even matter if we use it, or need it. How much stuff do you have that you were excited about, but haven’t used in over a year? (Well, I will someday.)
So now we have to buy storage units to keep all of our stuff. And so it goes. But the motivation behind what we do, the things we collect, the food we eat… It all comes down to respect.
Self-respect ties in closely with how well with how much our peers respect us. If we are respected for what we have, and suddenly we lose it all… We feel a sense of deep loss. But as much as we would like that stuff back, what we really need is the feeling we get from it.
That is what marketing campaigns are all about.
“Oh, oh, oh, what a feeling… Toyota!”
“You deserve a juicy burger.”
“What’s in your wallet?”
These are actual campaign slogans, and they may seem silly when you look at them out of context. But they work. Why? They are geared to make you feel better about yourself — but only if you buy their product, of course.
They are preying on your need for respect.
Respect is the one thing we crave every single day.
And that is what motivates us to get up in the morning.
…
So why does this matter?
Quite simply, understanding what motivates us is the first step to taking control of those things that tend to take control of our lives — things like love, money, and other addictions.
Certainly, there is nothing wrong with those things, but if they are not healthy, can sometimes take a serious toll on our health and wellbeing.
Respect is what powers our relationships. You might think it’s love, but you’re wrong. Love is simply a combination of respect and affection. I don’t mean to make it sound so clinical, but think about it…
Can you think of a single person you love that you don’t respect? Have you ever started a relationship where sparks were flying at first, but then it fizzled when you tried to make it long-term. You might say, “we just didn’t have anything in common.” But the truth is, you didn’t establish mutual respect.
Now think of a person you respect that you don’t love. You can probably think of several. You might also be able to think of a relationship that started out with respect and grew into love.
My point is: You can have respect without love, but love without respect is just infatuation. You can’t build a relationship on that.
So the next time you are wondering, “why am I always arguing with my spouse?” or, “why does it seem like I never have enough money?” or, “why can’t I lose weight?”… I suggest you start with respect and go from there.
…
If you want to understand more about how respect can affect your life, visit SimpleRespect.com and download a free sample of the book.
—
Previously published on Medium.com.
—
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Talk to you soon.
—
Photo credit: istockphoto.com
.