Before talking about how to deal with intimacy issues, we should probably know what they are. Intimacy issues include anything that has to do with being afraid to be close to others.
Also known as the fear of intimacy, it means that you have a difficult time getting close to others, either physically or mentally. It is not that you do not want to have intimacy. In fact, you want to be intimate, but you unconsciously push people away. You may get into a relationship with someone and it is going great, but then you do something to sabotage the relationship like cheat on the person or start a big fight over nothing.
The Four Types of Intimacy
When many people think of intimacy, they think of sex or some other type of physical closeness. But intimacy is more than just touching. There are actually four different kinds of intimacy. For example:
- Physical Intimacy: This includes cuddling, touching, massaging, kissing, hugging, and any kind of sexual closeness.
- Intellectual Intimacy: You share an intellectual intimacy with your partner when you share personal information and conversations, opinions, and values.
- Experiential Intimacy: Experiential intimacy is sharing common activities or experiences that bring you together. Doing things together as a team and sharing interests.
- Emotional Intimacy: This is the toughest one. Even more commonly avoided than the others, emotional intimacy happens when you are vested in your partner. You care about their feelings and allow them to know your deepest feelings and care about you.
Why Does it Happen?
Not being able to get close to someone emotionally is the most common and these usually arise from past issues such as painful relationships or something that happened when you were a child. For example, if one or both of your parents were not there for you when you were a child, physically or mentally, it can cause attachment and intimacy issues.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
If you went through any kind of serious traumatic incident sometime in your life, you may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. Having PTSD can create a fear of intimacy in all four categories. Depending on what kind of trauma you went through, how bad it was, and how long it lasted, you will likely carry this with you for life if you do not get treatment. Physical abuse as a child or domestic violence in previous relationships greatly increases your risk for physical intimacy issues. Some of the things that cause PTSD include:
- Child abuse or neglect
- Major accident like automobile accident
- Serious or chronic illness like cancer, diabetes, or heart attack
- Domestic abuse or violence
- Combat or war
- Being a first responder like an EMT, firefighter, police officer, or medical personnel
Social Anxiety Disorder
Do you feel anxious when you meet new people or avoid large crowds? You may have social anxiety disorder, which can also cause intimacy issues. It is the fear of being rejected or judged by others and is one of the most common mental health conditions there is. In fact, over 15 million people in the United States have social anxiety disorder. Some of the signs of this disorder are:
- Avoiding social events or crowds
- Extreme anxiety when talking to anyone
- Stammering or stuttering
- Avoiding meeting new people
- Fear of being criticized
- Do not trust anyone
- Feeling nauseous or dizzy
- Self-conscious in front of others
Your avoidant behaviors and self-consciousness can affect your relationships with everyone, including your partner. You have to be able to trust someone to be intimate, and those with social anxiety disorder do not typically trust anyone, including themselves. Being intimate with someone means that you have to be vulnerable and share your inner-most thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, which is hard for anyone with social anxiety disorder, if not impossible.
Low Self-Esteem
Similar to social anxiety disorder, those with low self-esteem are not confident in themselves, so they do not like to get too close to anyone. If you have low self-esteem, you may steer clear of relationships or intimacy because you do not want to be rejected. You may feel like you are incompetent or unlovable and believe that others will see that as well. Being intimate with someone requires you to be able to be comfortable with your partner and let them get close to you both physically and emotionally, as well as the other two types of intimacy.
Sexual Problems
With physical intimacy, there may be a medical problem or performance anxiety that makes your partner not want to be sexually intimate. For example, if your partner is a man, he may not be able to maintain an erection due to some kind of physical illness or medication. For example, some types of blood pressure medications or antidepressants can cause this problem. It could also be that your partner has body issues and does not want you to see them without clothing. If you or your partner is having trouble with intimacy issues, talk to a relationship counselor. You can do it online and do not even need an appointment.
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