Entering a relationship can be a big step that entails many important questions. If we want to have healthy and happy relationships, it’s important to check in and communicate with ourselves and the other person.
I’ve entered relationships that weren’t what I wanted just because I was desperate to not be single. I’ve said I was okay with a casual relationship because I wanted to be, not because I actually was. I’ve realized I have needs in relationships and I’m unhappy if my partner can’t meet those needs. I’ve cared for the other person more than they’ve cared for me.
And I met someone who turned that all around.
I want you to have relationships that make you feel happy and safe. I want you to ask yourself questions I didn’t and respect red flags that I didn’t. I want you to be mindful both in relationships and before you start them.
In order for those things to become true, I suggest asking yourself the following questions.
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1. Is this the type of relationship I want?
Many kinds of relationships exist, ranging from flirtationships, casual relationships, polyamorous relationships, exclusive relationships and more. What kind of relationship are you looking for, and does this other person want that same kind? If not, you may end up feeling unsatisfied, unimportant or guilty.
Have an honest conversation with this person, asking what they’re looking for and what that means to them. Specificity is important since people may have different perceptions or understandings of what a word means. Talk about your commitment levels, expectations, wants and needs.
2. Am I okay with myself, regardless of what my partner says or how having a partner makes me feel?
It’s important for our wellbeing to not depend on our partner or having a partner, in general, to feel okay about ourselves. We can’t put our worth in something we can lose, and some time spent being single is important to our personal development too.
Some important questions to ask yourself include: Do I realize I’m enough, regardless of whether I’m with someone? Do I feel good about myself even when my partner isn’t telling me qualities of mine they like? Do I need to focus on myself a little more before entering a relationship with a whole other person?
3. Does this person have the qualities that are important to me?
If you won’t be mostly happy in your relationship, it’s probably not worth pursuing. Think about qualities that are most important to you in a partner, ask yourself if they have those qualities and answer honestly. Some qualities you might consider are trustworthiness, loyalty, humor, kindness, thoughtfulness and compassion.
You don’t need to settle for someone who doesn’t fully have those qualities or who doesn’t love you as well as you want and deserve. You’ll find the person who will, and you don’t need to waste your time with people who don’t!
4. Can I give this person the attention and love they deserve?
In addition to making sure this person can give us the love and attention we deserve, we also have to ask ourselves if we can do the same for them. It’s important to be fair to the other person to create a mutually happy, healthy relationship.
Ask yourself if you need to work on yourself some first, or if you have the time and emotional space to give the other person the love and attention they need. If you need time to work on yourself first, that’s okay — just be honest and do your best.
5. Would I feel safe and comfortable in this relationship?
Finding a relationship that’s healthy in which you feel safe and comfortable is crucial. This includes not only physical aspects, but emotional and sexual aspects too. Do they make you feel safe and comfortable in every way? Or do their actions or emotions trigger or hurt you?
If you or a loved one notices any red (or even yellow) flags, pay attention to them and respect them. Your contentedness important, and we notice red flags for a reason. Trust them and take care of yourself, doing what you need to do to be okay.
6. Can this person give me what I need from them?
People go through different stages in their lives, in which they aren’t always fully able to give someone enough attention and care. I’ve had several relationships in which I felt like I cared more, which hurt, but now I’m in a relationship where we care equally, and it’s great.
Has this person given you what you need so far? If you aren’t sure, communicate with them. Be honest about your needs and ask them what they can give. If you won’t feel happy or fulfilled in this relationship, it may not be worth it.
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The answers to these questions may be emotional. You may not get the answers you want, but don’t take it personally. Trust you’ll find the person who’s right for you and know you deserve to have what you want and need. Take care of yourself, respect your boundaries and communicate openly. Understand this pain now will make your life easier and save you from future hurt.
You deserve a positive relationship with someone who will treat you right, and you’ll find them. It’s okay to be single; it’s okay to take care of yourself. You are loved, worthy and enough.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Paola Aguilar on Unsplash
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