I think everyone has some idea of what they want in their potential partner. You may have a list of things that your partner might need to have or be. It may go something like — they must have a job, no kids, be kind, have an adventurous spirit, or a good sense of humor.
Whether these thoughts are conscious or are unknowingly buried deep in our subconscious — I think we all have a vague sense of what kind of person think we will end up with. But despite being aware of all of this, I still fell for the ‘wrong’ guy.
A little while back I dated someone who was ‘wrong’ for me. By ‘wrong’ for me I mean they had different goals, views, aspirations and were not the picture I had in mind of the type of guy I thought I would date.
When we began dating I threw caution to the wind and jumped in. I didn’t know what to expect and was just keen to get to know this guy. My feelings grew more than I ever expected, in some ways, the relationship was unintentional because dating someone completely different to me was like a breath of fresh air.
I learned to think differently and become more empathetic
Being in a relationship with someone who aligns with most of my core beliefs is generally what I look for when finding a match — but it doesn’t challenge me to have an open mind in the same empathetic way as dating my ‘opposite’ did.
Dating someone who had different goals and values from myself, prompted me to think differently and question myself and my actions more. As we dated and grew closer, I gained a new level of insight into his thoughts, soul and unique view of the world.
Although I had experienced this type of closeness before, it was always with people who aligned with most of my core beliefs. But after truly understanding and appreciating his view of the world, it made me open my mind and heart in a completely new way.
Needless to say, this experience was challenging but also made me more empathetic. Even though before the relationship I regarded myself as an empathetic person — gaining insight and closeness reminded me to be aware of others’ thoughts and the importance of putting yourself in another’s shoes before making judgments.
I now judge others less
Dating someone almost my polar opposite also highlighted the fact I should judge others less. Not that I pass excessive judgment on everyone but making snap judgments can sometimes be automatic and just how our minds learn to work.
We naturally compare and judge ourselves against others. Over time I became more aware that I don’t really have the right to judge nor does my judgment of others add any value to my life or theirs — so why bother with these negative emotions at all?
I became more open
At times it felt somewhat difficult to express thoughts and feelings to someone who I knew would not always understand where I was coming from or see eye to eye on some matters. But over our relationship, I began to realize how open and accepting he was as a person — and this wasn’t something I was used to.
The experience made me more open and enabled me to rediscover that you never really know how someone else will react — sometimes people can surprise you, I just had to learn to give them a chance.
I gained clarity and realized what I wanted
Clarity is something I search for in life because it makes me feel at peace. When it came to our break up leaving him was difficult but the decision brought a sense of peace and clarity as I realized at the end of the day what we had, was not what I wanted.
Our time together also showed me that some of what we did have was lacking in other past relationships. I feel dating the ‘wrong’ person provided me with a clearer sense of what I truly want, need and deserve in a relationship.
Over time I’ve learned the picture I have of the type of person I want to date changes the more I actually date different people. I’ve realized some of the qualities I was after weren’t that important after all, and that some qualities I never previously even considered were actually what I valued most.
It gave me more heartbreak than I ever expected
The heartbreak of dating someone wrong for you is a strange one to explain. I grew to love this person who wasn’t right for me at all. Although in some ways it may seem easier to part ways with someone who you didn’t match well with — but when you fall for that person, it is beyond tough.
We didn’t want the same future. We wanted each other but not what each other wanted in life. The long-distance between us coupled with the fact that compromising what we wanted at such a young age just wasn’t worth the sacrifice led to the end.
Don’t get caught up in the fantasy, remember reality
Saying goodbye was harder than I ever expected because there’s always a ‘what if’ factor. What if — things were different. But if you are dating someone like this or if you ever do — never forget reality. Reality is important. Don’t get too caught up in the moment even though it can be so tempting.
I would catch myself thinking —what if he didn’t move away or if we shared similar goals? Then the relationship may have worked long term. But at the end of the day, there essentially is no ‘what if’ because things are the way they are, and sometimes there is no changing that. But in saying this it was tough because those moments I felt swept away did make me feel alive.
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Although dating the wrong guy isn’t exactly good advice it truly made me grow. I know I wouldn’t be the person I am today without this experience. I’ve learned more about life, myself, what I want, and relationships.
Also, don’t let the heartbreak ruin the memory of the relationship. These experiences bring pain and love both of which have the power to make us grow.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
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