—
There will no doubt be endless articles about Anthony Bourdain in the days and weeks ahead. They will speculate on the hidden reasons that would explain how someone at the top of everything that defines success in our culture would jump out of the game so completely and permanently. This is not one of those articles.
What is striking about Bourdain’s suicide is that there was more life in Anthony Bourdain than many of us could dream to live. Eating is the most intrinsically life-affirming thing any person—or animal—can do. To take eating to the level of dining is a celebration of life, and culinary exploration would seem an embrace of life. Layered upon that is travel, adventure, achievement, fame, and success. If we subscribe to the notion of situational happiness, the simple mathematics of logic do not point to suicide—even as a fleeting thought.
Fifteen years ago, my best friend killed himself in what should have been the middle of a “happy” life. Best friends since we were ten, he had the world by the tail. He was enjoying the profession of his choosing and passion. He was married to the woman he was so crazy about that when they were dating he would drive the 12-hour round trip to see here every weekend. They raised a family and lived in a quaint house in a beautiful neighborhood. A hobby investor, he told me one day that he had joined the millionaire club – and he was only forty years old.
|
But suicide is not a mathematical equation. It is not caused by over-drafted wealth or status deficits.
|
I would be less than honest if I didn’t admit my happiness for him was steeped in comparative self-doubt. I achieved my career goal as well, but it was a degree that left me in significant debt and second-guessing how much I enjoyed the profession I had committed myself to. There would be no wedding to celebrate my relationship because, at the time, same-sex relationships were to be hidden, not celebrated. My childhood dream of being a dad and married to the girl I was crazy about led me on a voyage of frustration and self-doubt.
Looking at life’s columns of pluses and minuses, I was behind my friend in every category. But suicide is not a mathematical equation. It is not caused by over-drafted wealth or status deficits. Two weeks before my friend took his life, he told me he was thinking about suicide, speaking of it as if he was wondering how he would handle an unexpected bill that came in the mail. He told me he didn’t want to do it, and that was enough for me. I reminded him that he had everything to live for, but did not see that he simply did not know how to live one more day. His suicide was an overdose of hoarded prescription narcotics. It wasn’t a cry for help, nor a tentative foray. It was a calculated, full-in decision.
That is what informs me about Anthony Bourdain. Those who are shocked are perhaps learning what I did. A suicide decision is not a simple comparative sum of material or social wealth. My own journey has taught me that suicide is a dark hole within that nothing outside of it could ever fill. Quite simply, suicide is a second death. The first is hope.
I will not presume to know what drove Anthony Bourdain to make the decision he did. If his suicide has taught us anything, it is this: there are much deeper things about being human in this world than the trappings around us. A spirit can thirst for hope even when we achieve every measure of happiness society defines for us.
—
Join like-minded individuals in The Good Men Project Community.
◊♦◊
—
Photo credit: Getty Images
—
.