—
All young boys grow up in at least two cultures: society at large and the people we spend time with. For me, these cultures were my family, the neighbor kids, and classmates in Catholic school. Between them, I learned a language that I am still using, one that I am working to unlearn.
Much of what I learned was words describing a wonderful, connected, beautiful, and often challenging world. Sky and earth, girls and boys, mom and dad, sin and grace. What?
Sin? What’s sin? The sky and the earth, ok, I got that ok. That’s up there, I’m down here. My sisters are girls and I’m a boy. That’s easy. But sin…..?
Learning the language of our cultures, we automatically absorb the values that are attached to words. At about the age of 7, I learned that I was a sinner. This meant that God, who happened to be a male, would be very angry with me if I did certain things, which I didn’t really know about yet. But I sure was trying hard to find out, and the nuns and priests were more than happy to tell me and anyone who’d listern. So, 12 years later I had a strong working knowledge of at least 100 things I could do that would earn me a seat in hell FOREVER. Unless of course I went to confession and got the priest’s forgiveness direct from God. It wasn’t long before I walked away from the boogie man Catholic beliefs looking for something which felt like truth.
◊♦◊
At this same time, another current set of beliefs was flowing through my unsuspecting awareness and establishing patterns in my behavior, thinking, and emotions.
In the United States, there has been a consistent pressure in the male subculture advocating strength and dominance as the path to successful manhood. All that this effort required was suppression of weakness, meaning fear.
In boy language, a very sophisticated and powerful use of ‘put-downs’ has been a way of establishing dominance. If you are trying to resist domination, learn how to find fault with others and bring attention to their faults so you and others can laugh at them, and not be laughed at. And most importantly, banding together to bully others brings a feeling of being accepted in a group.
As a boy, I learned to ignore and hide my own fear while promoting fear in others by my words and actions. Survival of the fittest, eh, that’s the rule, that means it’s ok. If they can’t take it, then let them suffer.
Put downs in childhood:
“You smell bad…….You throw like a girl….” which might lead to a fist fight or at the least hurt feelings, morph into putting down your buddy’s team, which is much more acceptable because it’s not so personal.
◊♦◊
At a later stage in life, ‘smack-talk’ between guys becomes the art of expressing affection without the fear of being interpreted as homosexual. An added shove or punch in the arm, just enough to show strength and cause a little discomfort and pain, without actually damaging your “bro”, is an art. High five?
Today, while many boys and men are growing into a comfort with a simple, direct expression of affection and acceptance of each other, the use of smack-talk lives on. I’ll admit there are still traces of it between my adult sons and me. They rib me about being weak, old, and shove me, continuing what I see as an animal ritual of keeping each other fit. They want me to survive and stay vital, I think.
But my grandsons who are still children, have begun using the same put-down language, and there’s a growing certainty in me that I am bound by my own life to help them out of using smack talk to improve their worth by devaluing others.
Recently my four-year-old grandson told me “You’re weak”, and the impact was very different than my older boys saying the same thing. My sons and I have talked about and understand the importance of being honest and vulnerable with each other, about admitting our fears and confusions and frustrations so we can benefit from the love and wisdom come through others. But my grandson’s comment isn’t there yet. He’s learning that words sting, and in a world where stinging brings fear to most people, he’s learning to value smack talk. He’s being exposed daily to other boys and men using words to separate rather than connect. This is a perfect time for him to hear from his papa. So, what am I teaching him and myself?
What’s needed in any culture that is self-destructive is an honest, compassionate mirror to help clarify what’s going on. Men and boys using words to magnify themselves and reduce others are naïve about the power of kindness and compassion. Smack talk, without an intention of loving support for the other person, is a lesson waiting to be learned.
So I talk to my boys about smack talk, and whether they want their sons using it. And they share their own deep understanding born of male dominance wounding, some of which came from me. They tell me in words we all three understand, that they know the danger of feeling you have to hurt another being to feel power.
And then, as often as not, they finish with a walking away……..“Sissy”.
__
__
Photo credit: Getty Images
.