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I had just posted something that related to feminism, and a close friend of mine responded
I knew what was about to go down. My heartbeat raced as I opened his message and saw what was prompting his response. I took deep breaths to ready myself.
This was the first I was going to be arguing feminism with him, and I hoped I would be able to talk objectively while looking back for any jabs he might throw at something I strongly believed.
I was also trying to be calm. I didn’t want to feed the stereotype of women getting too “irrational” when a topic like this came up. Still, more than anything, I needed to remind myself that people having different opinions — as hurtful as it may be — does not mean they hate women or me. We’re all entitled to our beliefs.
If your partner leaves you because of her newfound independence, then it should be more than evident that she wasn’t with you for love
So it began. I responded to his jest with a slight joke, and then I went on to ask why he thinks women are acting like men weren’t necessary. It went back and forth for a long time before I had to end it there for the sake of our friendship.
But one thing he said stood out as the basis of his entire argument.
- Women need men
- Men need women because “behind every great man is a woman.”
Now before you go where you’re thinking, this my friend is an absolute gentleman. He still believes in the functional aspects of chivalry and has strong beliefs on the interdependence of males and females. He’s also the last person to go around telling a woman what she can or can’t do.
In his words, “there was no need for feminism since women are mostly equal now.” This was what shocked me, though. I don’t know if he was purposely ignoring the many issues women go through, or if he just couldn’t see it.
It’s easier to believe the first one because you can’t live in an African country and say you don’t see or hear cases of women being treated as less. I only needed to turn on my phone in the morning, and I’ll be reminded of the many reasons why feminism is very much necessary.
Still, a lot of men all over the world think like this, my friend, and after a very heated argument, I decided to sit myself down and ask why. Not because I doubted the usefulness of feminism, but because I needed to understand them, to know the approach they were taking. That’s when I picked up these two significant points that seemed to come up more whenever the topic was brought up.
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In my country, it’s not uncommon for a man to be told that he needs a woman to take care of him. You will often see the effects of a married man in the way he looks — well-fed and refreshed. It is also not uncommon to see a woman being told that she needs a man to take care of her.
Most women are told how it’s their duty to take care of man because he is the one providing. The few times I’ve asked what happens if I’m able to provide for myself, I’m told that it is still my role to take care of him as my money is my own, and his income is the family’s own.
The mentality that a woman needs a man is one that has been fed to not just females but males as well. What most people fail to realize — or most likely, refuse the accept — is that there’s another cold bowl of cereal that’s fed.
A man needs a woman.
The difference is that whereas women are believed to need men to survive, men are found to require women to be treated like kings. It’s the woman’s job to do whatever it takes to make sure this is possible.
Luckily, most of society has advanced, but these mindsets are still taught — subtly in some places, mostly in others.
But what happens when more women realize that they don’t need a man to stand on their own two feet? That they don’t “need” a man, period?
You guessed it. There’d be no use for a man. It would erase the status and usefulness of men. Or so many men would like to believe.
From birth, she wouldn’t have any value besides the one given by her household name. It’s that value that would help her get suitors whose names have a higher value.
Not needing a man does not equate to not wanting one. If there’s anything that we have learned as humans, it ought to be that we are most likely to go after our desires and wishes than any need. They drive us. They are intense and intoxicating.
Our knowledge of social, financial, or political independence does not perturb our desire. If anything, the want of a man or woman can become so intense that it translates to a need — a need to fulfill that want.
If your partner leaves you because of her newfound independence, then it should be more than evident that she wasn’t with you for love. Feminism is not so powerful that it’s capable of turning love or passion sour. Its only power is the truth. The truth that women can be independent. Women can — and should — choose for themselves.
. . .
The next one is a belief that has always irked me: “Behind every great man lies a woman”. This is often used to show the importance of women in a man’s life. It’s commonly believed that marrying the right wife can spell success for a man, and the wrong one is a recipe for disaster.
While this is true in the sense that marrying the wrong person spells doom, it feeds the idea that a man’s success or failures are the causes of a woman. This means women have some kind of forbidden power, right? Somehow it was possible to give women such an important role without giving them any control.
This is a saying in that’s as old as, well, my great great grandparents. If you have any knowledge of history, it shouldn’t be hard to figure out that women had no say in the matter.
From birth, she wouldn’t have any value besides the one given by her household name. It’s that value that would help her get suitors whose names have a higher value.
Because she can’t succeed on her own — and if she tries, her efforts simply won’t be recognized — his success becomes her own.
It’s, for this reason, why a girl in some rural village works hard to send her brothers to school, even though she’s capable of learning. It’s for this reason why she’d left home to take care of the house while her brother learns. It’s for this reason a woman decides to stay home and support her husband. It’s for this reason a woman marries a wealthy man concerning his name.
His accomplishments, his wealth, his fame, his power, and his respect are also hers. It won’t matter if he’s insane or his ideas are wrong. He was her only chance at achieving these things, and there is no human on the face of this Earth — not even a saint — that doesn’t desire any of these things. I’m woman enough to admit that I crave all and much more.
Now women are told that they can accomplish these things on their own. That they can own — fame, wealth, power, and all the rest — all on their own. That’s like giving a starving man 3 square meals. They’d be mad not to take it!!!
When you begin to realize this freedom, you understand the hidden meanings behind that saying. Not only does it reinforce the idea that it’s the woman’s job to support the man no matter the purpose, but it also sets the idea that a man needs the support of a woman to be successful.
This completely blindsides the many people involved in the success of a man. And one has to wonder who the root of a gay man’s success is. His mother, perhaps? Since, going by that saying, he needs a woman to succeed.
What are we to say about those who didn’t have splendid mothers — it’d be crazy to believe that merely carrying a child for some months makes a woman a sure candidate for motherhood? The ones who’d mothers shunned and abandoned, or the ones whose mothers died before making any impact.
This also reinforces the belief that men are self-centered and incapable of showing support.
In truth, behind every great person is often a set of people that left an impact and support in one way or another if it does happen to be a woman, okay.
If it happens to be his dog, okay, it deserves a treat! If it happens to be his God, that’s okay too. Suppose the man manages to succeed without help, support, or inspiration, no problem. But it is by no means determined by a specific gender.
Perhaps if people accepted the real meaning behind that saying, they’d be wiser on how to use it. If we were to go with the logic of the saying, then:
“Behind every great man is a woman; behind every terrible, conniving, insidious, despicable, sociopathic man, is also a woman.”
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Previously published on medium.com and is republished here under permission.
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Photo credit: Guillaume de Germain on Unsplash
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