I am privileged in most ways I can imagine. I have always had a penis, I have white skin, I have access to money, I have a preference for the opposite sex, I have good health, I have use of all my limbs and faculties. I have. These things are my possessions and I have taken them for granted. They have given me many things but I have become highly aware of one in particular; the feeling of being right. I have the right skin, the right body, the right name; I walk right, I talk right. This is, of course, normally incredibly helpful. There is only one thing it makes it hard to do. Be wrong.
Being right is who I am. I was raised this way, perhaps others similar to me were not and I cannot speak for them. It’s not a conscious assessment, it’s not a decision, it is a perspective inculcated in me over time. It has given me a feeling of security which is bolstered in many subtle and not so subtle ways. My confidence, on which I have prided myself, is built on this foundation; my resilience on its constancy. I would like to say that events of recent years have challenged this constancy and they have, but I have been allowed to retain my power over whether or not I allowed them to. I have been offered as many escape routes as there have been unsettling realisations.
I think I am past outright denial and all the partial dismissiveness that used to come so naturally and was so readily available to me. This is uncomfortable. I am still, particularly now, running into an urge to already know, for my experience to already be complete. I feel the pull to colonize each new perspective, shave it down to fit inside the image I have of myself. To be right again. Having to accept that my vision of the world is wrong, that I haven’t known and still don’t know has been a pretty shameful experience, one I find myself dealing with in various ways; to find my place once more at the determining end of things. Being shown I don’t know has felt like being told I don’t know; I feel a defensiveness at times as though this knowledge were a foreign body. To be wrong changes how I see myself.
It feels uncomfortable to have my awareness of myself and reality be challenged, more so to own my ignorance of others’ experience. It is even more uncomfortable to accept that if I want my experience to stop dominating that of others I will have to permanently open up my awareness to experiences I do not understand without the certainty with which I have grown comfortable.
It has struck me sharply that every day I have been able to go without this discomfort is a day when someone else has not been able to do so. Every day that I have begun and ended with the self-confidence that comes from feeling validated, whether I was or not, is a day on which I was shown patience, coddled, and allowed the most indulgent ignorance. No one forcefully put me in my place, shouted me down, called me names or made me feel the shame I am feeling today. I have been accepted for who I was and have been left to confront it on my own terms when I was ready.
The shame of not having noticed this gift is strong, it makes me want to return it, to deny that I received it, to look the other way but this gift has also come from those I know and love, my friends and family. I want a relationship with them and I realize that this discomfort I am feeling right now has been part of our relationship since it started; it just wasn’t mine to hold. The system we live in had given me the option of passing this burden on to anyone who is different than me. This is my privilege. And there is a shame in realizing that I have unwittingly exercised it for nearly 40 years. The irreproachable is unapproachable and I have chosen a sense of security over a deeper engagement with life. I have no idea which way the world turns for those less privileged than me, which amounts to most of the people I have had the pleasure to meet.
It feels like any response but struggling through the discomfort of not knowing flies in the face of the patience I have been shown my entire life, each day that I was allowed to dismiss the experience of others and still keep my special place in our relationship. People have shown me patience in order to be in a relationship with me, they have endured the discomfort in order be close to me. Those relationships are, for the first time, outside my comfort zone in a new way. The only way I feel I can truly acknowledge the gift I have been given is to show myself that patience with some of the grace that it has been shown me and admit that I do not know how the world is, humbly, without demanding to know, without climbing over others to rid myself of this tension.
Real relationship feels like it will demand a very different degree of bravery than has ever been asked of me. I now feel called to do something I am not supposed to be good at. I feel called to be wrong, to acknowledge that the way I see the world is not as it is. It is not my fault that I am ignorant and it would be made easy for me to remain that way; I am supposed to remain that way. It serves the structures of domination that I dominate as well and this privilege is not something I can give up any more than I can opt-out of the structure.
What this privilege has done for me is given me authority over the space I inhabit. I have been allowed to fill it myself and now I would like to allow it to be filled by others. Rather than let my discomfort drive me into shame and disconnection I would like to say thank you for the patience I have been given. My privilege ensures that I am capable of keeping that space open, to listen, to acknowledge that the world is not as I thought, to stay open to relationships with people, and allow their experience to exist for me on its own terms and not in the service of my comfort. Your experience is enough to teach me and I will seek it out. I admire your stamina and am grateful for your patience. It has opened me.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all-access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class, and all our online communities.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher and our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
stock photo ID: 1731366157
.