When asked what he wants young men to know, actor/activist Terry Crews responded poignantly,
It’s impossible to love someone and control them at the same time.
Young men cling tightly to their sense of control, often due to insecurity or fear, but becoming a strong man means learning to let go.
Fragile masculinity and fear are very closely intertwined — fear of ostracism, fear of bullying, and fear of abandonment were all instilled in us from a young age. The reflex against this fear often presents as toxic masculinity, with chests puffed out and feelings crammed deep down to conceal any sense of vulnerability that might be exploited. In interpersonal interactions, men are conditioned to dominate and gain control (on teams, in the bedroom, and in every conversation), with the hopes that in maintaining the upper hand, they can remain protected from the perils of emasculation.
As we age and grow outside of the middle school locker room, we must adjust our behaviors to match the real world. In the adult world, nobody is out to get us. We have a huge amount of privilege as men, and there is no longer a threat. It is time to reflect this in our minds and our actions.
Gone are the days of questionable avuncular advice and YouTube videos peddling “guy code,” for we now know there are many ways to be a man. At times, control can be nice. It feels secure, and it is in line with what we were always taught.
But learning to let go can be freeing, and for many men, it is absolutely imperative. Young men deserve to be in loving and mutually respectful relationships. For these relationships to develop, you must allow yourself to be cared for and nurtured.
Ultimately, you must learn to let go.
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