“When we love completely we feel alive, but when we lose love, the pain is so great that most people settle on connection, the crumbs of love.” ~Tony Robbins
Have you heard of the term “Empty Love?”
Even the words sound…well, empty.
For some, these words can bring to mind images of one-sided relationships, unrequited love and emotional unavailability in a relationship.
While Tony Robbins’ quote touches on how we feel when we experience true love, unless we’ve actually lost true love — we may not realize when we’re chasing those “crumbs” that lesser forms of love offer but never fully satisfy.
Yet, what makes Empty Love go unnoticed for many is that it isn’t black or white as love vs. non-love.
It has many shades of grey that fly under the radar as a less intense relationship or as a sense of feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled.
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Most of us have an idea of what a great relationship includes: we’re heard and valued. Intimacy is experienced (not to be confused with sex). There’s similar goals between partners. Both partners are positively pushing each other to be the best versions of themselves and to step outside their comfort zones. Emotional and inner strength take precedence for a strong foundation in the relationship. Word and deed add up; what is said is what is done. Communication is the central theme and partners are friends.
If they’re lucky, they’re best friends.
And, most of us know the red flags of a bad relationship: hurtful things are said or done that screw with our mind and heart. Boundaries are overstepped and tested like some challenge we’re supposed to accept. Saying one thing, but doing another identifies the relationship. Lies and half-truths are common. Authenticity and vulnerability are exchanged for superficiality and non-disclosure. Self-sabotage takes center stage and intimacy is tossed out the window.
However, with Empty Love, it’s more ambiguous and less obvious which can leave you feeling confused, questioning the relationship or even blaming yourself thinking it’s all in your head.
Yet, it’s very much a form of non-love.
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“Empty love is commitment without intimacy or passion.” ~R. Sternberg
If You’re Experiencing Empty Love
Empty Love is one of several forms of ‘non-love’ R.J. Sternberg (1986) discusses in his Triangular Theory of Love. Love requires passion, intimacy and commitment. When one, or several of these ingredients are lacking or insufficient, relationships feel incomplete, unsatisfying and stagnant.
With Empty Love, the signs aren’t as blatant as the red flags of a bad relationship because empty love isn’t as obvious as the push-pull dynamics seen in unhealthy relationships.
When a relationship is experiencing empty love, it doesn’t always start out this way. Some relationships can begin with passion and excitement but fizzle out either due to circumstance or indifference, yet the couple stays together out of commitment.
When experiencing Empty Love, the relationship is seen as a have-to, not a want-to.
The Relationship Lacks Intimacy. Intimacy, according to psychoanalytic theorist Erik Erikson and his stages of psycho-social development, is a key factor that is sought and learned in young adulthood where, if a healthy attachment is formed early in life, adult relationships will be consistent in intimacy.
When attachment is lacking or has gone unmet earlier in life, intimacy can be exchanged for isolation or shallower relationships that maintain emotional distance. When attachments are insecure, people are kept at arms-distance, relationships are superficial and a partner may feel incomplete.
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When intimacy is there, your partner is seen as your person. It’s different from sex — people have sex without having an intimate connection. Intimacy is also different from having fun or hanging out with your partner. We can have a great time around friends or our partner without there being an intimate connection. Intimacy is something that can’t be faked — it’s either there between two people or it’s not.
When a relationship has intimacy, there’s an inseparable bond where emotional growth emerges as part of being vulnerable and from understanding each other’s needs.
When intimacy is lacking in a relationship, that’s where band aids and “crumbs” are used to compensate for what isn’t there. Relationships without authentic connection experience boredom and a feeling of insecurity where you may question your partner’s fidelity or investment to you and the relationship.
Something Feels Off. Maybe you can’t quite put your finger on it because it’s never obvious, but there’s this awkward discomfort you may feel that’s bubbling just under the surface. You may feel anxious or uncomfortable, or afraid anything you say probably won’t be heard, so you opt for keeping it casual and pushing your feelings away. Things can feel tense where you’re both too agreeable, trying to avoid an argument, trying to avoid communication, or trying too hard to form a connection.
Authentic vibes don’t need to be forced; they flow naturally as a give and take between partners.
Boredom and Indifference. When love is empty and lacking, there’s no common interests or genuineness. The relationship may be superficial and reduced to casual conversation, a get-together with friends or spending time avoiding each other on your laptops, in a book or video game.
Anything said can be met with a shrugged shoulder or a shallow response that can leave you feeling ignored or unheard. Again, since it’s not blatantly rude or devaluing as seen in a toxic relationship, a superficial response can fly under the radar.
After awhile, feeling bored and unfulfilled is often met with a feeling of indifference about your partner and the future of the relationship.
Routine and Responsibility. Long-term relationships will always reach an impasse sooner or later when responsibility and obligations have to take a front seat. Maybe one partner is focusing on their degree or working towards a promotion or career change.
Or, maybe the other partner is targeting personal growth or self-development goals and has taken up insight therapy and focusing on their soul work.
These things can detract from time together and make a relationship appear to lose its luster.
Things like sex, bedtime routines, hobbies and day-to-day activities can take on a “same old, same old” feeling. They are seen as dull and predictable and may even feel like a chore instead of being seen as quality time with your partner or experiencing a sense of closeness.
Balancing obligations are necessary, but how they’re balanced and how the partners attend to each other’s needs can decide the future of the relationship.
Comparing Past Relationships with Current. We all tend to compare where we are with where we’ve been. If we’re lucky, our current relationship hits every mark on our checklist that were missed in our last one. However, on the flipside, if you’re looking at your current relationship as lacking or missing something by comparing it to what past relationships had, your motivations in the relationship may be off.
Figuring out whether you’re in your current relationship for the right reasons or what your motivations are in the relationship are things only you can decide. Similarly, recognizing why your past relationship ended may be a good start for looking inward at your motivations with your current relationship.
Feel Lonelier With Them Than Alone. Because passionate love and intimacy are lacking in this type of relationship, this type of bond is only connected by obligation and commitment. Those experiencing this may feel that they can’t turn to their partner in their time of need and many don’t consider their partner as their first go-to person with good news.
If you experience feeling lonelier with your partner than by yourself, your basic affiliation and belonging needs may be unmet.
I speak of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs often and believe this is one of the most critical theories in understanding ourselves and what motivates us when our needs have gone either met or unmet. In relationships identified as empty and unsatisfying, the commitment is there — but conversation, bonding time and elevating emotional connections are missing which leaves partners feeling unheard and ignored.
Balance is off. Partners are tending to their own needs or wants without much regard for the other’s needs. Because the relationship is based on commitment, partners may only meet in the middle when an obligation needs to be met (work, education, exercise, chores). This dynamic is often seen when a relationship feels like it’s on autopilot, both partners are robotic, going through the motions but lacking depth or a healthy give and take.
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Creating Healthy Change
Changing these dynamics is not impossible, but it does require an investment from both partners. Things to consider include: how long you’ve been together, the overall health of the relationship (versus rebound or momentary fling, etc), your motivations, and a desire to positively challenge yourself and the relationship.
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This post was previously published on “Hello, Love” and is republished here with permission from the author.
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