“Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.” ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
When a person is in denial, they’re saying they’re fine. They’re saying there’s nothing wrong. They’re probably donning a smile. And, they’re likely still going through the motions in life as if nothing has affected them.
They may ignore our pleas to get help or they may get help and then walk out when the blindfold starts slipping. They may minimize or rationalize their problems or they may blame those around them as causing their problems.
Denial can look different for everyone based on factors such as: what is being denied, how painful the experience was that is causing denial, if the process of grief has ever been experienced before, how traumatic their loss was, how they’re distracting themselves, their age and their emotional IQ… just to name a few.
There are many things that can impact how deeply a person experiences denial. However, one thing that is consistent across situations is that when a person is in denial, they’re refusing to acknowledge and accept that a painful or traumatic situation has affected their life and is continuing to affect the quality of their life.
* * *
Not all denial is unhealthy, yet it does have a negative connotation to it.
And for good reason.
A little denial can be a temporary band-aid and a good thing, but too much denial and you’re headed down the road to self-sabotage.
Balance and moderation are key as we allow ourselves to grieve.
Denial has its usefulness in the initial phase of emotional grief but it can quickly wear out its welcome and veer off into a dysfunctional coping mechanism.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross coined her model of the five stages of grief as DABDA — Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. While the model was originally based on her work with terminally ill patients, it has been extended to include any form of traumatic grief from terminal illness, to a death in the family, to narcissistic abuse, to the loss of a personal relationship or job, to a loss that was tied into a person’s sense of identity.
In the earliest stages of grief, denial rules the roost and can be initially protective. Instead of going into an emotional tailspin immediately following a traumatic event, denial can help buffer and absorb some of the emotional shock, pain and uncertainty by ‘protecting’ them from the reality of their situation.
Denial As Helpful
For example, denial can help in the initial stages of grieving the traumatic loss of a relationship. By feeling “numb” or not yet being able to process or accept the reality of the loss, we’re basically taking baby steps with the grieving process — allowing time for a reality check (and the pain that comes with it) with each small step taken.
In between steps, denial may hit again where we can find ourselves grappling with the reality of the loss or maybe questioning the “how’s”, “why’s” and “when’s” of our situation. Here is where we may deny that the relationship is over, or deny how the relationship ended where they cowardly ghosted. We may deny the harsh reality about their character that they are a narcissist who moved on in lightning speed replaying the same old song and dance with a new target.
These type of harsh realities are what we want to avoid through denial.
Yet, inner strength comes with each small forward step and allows us to move through all the stages to reach Acceptance.
And, ultimately, the blindfold starts lifting where we eventually come to terms with the grief we were handed.
Denial As Hurting
When we stay stuck in denial, we may initially feel fine, even great. We are not acknowledging reality or the graveness of the situation which leaves us more vulnerable to further pain.
So, what’s the problem with living in denial if it isn’t affecting us now?
Staying stuck in denial is two-pronged. On one side, the longer we stay in denial, the deeper the plunge, and the harder it is to get out of the loop. On the other side — distractions are commonly used to keep a person “living” in denial which keeps them stuck in the loop.
Both sides feed off of each other keeping us stuck in the loop and plunging further down the rabbit hole.
The definition I give to distractions are: any person, place or thing who’s goal is to keep you from achieving your personal growth goals. Distractions are what we often go-to to numb, to emotionally detach and to continue denying reality.
Some distractions include self-medicating, compulsively working out, chasing relationships, sex, gaming, work, school, outside hobbies, or pretty much anything that distracts from pain, shame, anger, fear, or guilt.
In the moment…
Because they’re distractions, a habit and pattern are formed. In other words, if we abandon one relationship when we feel emotionally vulnerable or engulfed and immediately chase another one…why? If we are burying ourselves in work when we get home after a ten-hour workday at the office…why?
To run from the pain of loss.
To run from accountability.
To run from ourselves.
To run from shame.
To run from acceptance.
The list goes on….
Unfortunately, this is how bad habits and toxic patterns are formed that keep us distracted.
And ultimately, prevent us from healing.
As with anything that is used as a band-aid, it never heals the wound, it only covers it up.
In the case of impulsively and compulsively distracting to numb the pain of loss, more “band-aids” need to be used over time. These band-aids are what keep a person running from one distraction to another, to continue feeling numb and blocking out pain.
After a while, one distraction may not cut it, so now two may be used interchangeably. In time, they’re used more frequently or for longer duration, or now three or four are being used to continue numbing. And, in time the emotions and feelings that were being distracted from are bubbling up more and more — we may become more agitated, or impatient, or more angry, or find ourselves crying more easily.
Distractions keep us running from emotions and feelings that we don’t want to deal with, and to keep us searching for more distractions. One band-aid, then another.
This is called the chase.
Moving Past Denial
The first thing that should be noted is that there is nothing wrong with feeling vulnerable. There’s nothing wrong with being scared. We just can’t let it stop us from healing.
Reoccurring themes (or, distractions) are usually a huge red flag for beginning to move past denial and further along in healing. By the time habits are formed, most of us are already pretty aware there’s distractions there that are being used as band-aids.
The challenge is to break the habit and stop the distractions.
Ironically, distractions are in place to try to prevent “living in the past” by numbing us in the present. No one wants live in the past because that’s where depression, regrets, pain, shame, and guilt are firmly planted. Yet, once we recognize this, the past greets us head-on.
By taking the necessary steps to address what we’re feeling, why we’re feeling certain emotions (or running from them) we can help figure out where they started and most importantly, how to move past them.
One of the biggest challenges in healing is taking needed time alone with our thoughts, and to allow our emotions to process as they will in their own time. Here’s where I’ve noticed that distractions tend to start — being alone with our thoughts can be scary for some people because it may trigger feeling lonely, or shame, or anger, or other vulnerable emotions.
Yet, sitting alone with ourselves without the need for distractions is empowering because we’re learning to conquer our fears and strengthen our mindset while tossing out distractions for healthy alternatives.
* * *
References
Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. New York: Scribner.
Rabinowitz, F. E. (2019). Deepening group psychotherapy with men: Stories and insights for the journey. American Psychological Association.
—
Previously published on “Change Becomes You”, a Medium publication.
—
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Talk to you soon.
—
Photo credit: OKeys/Unsplash
.