I was thinking recently just how much better and more stable I feel. In fact, it was very difficult to comprehend how distraught I felt for so long. I can’t help it! I was like, Remember how you used to feel? But I thought about it and I was unable to access the hopelessness, the aloneness, and the feeling that I didn’t want to be around anymore.
I suppose that’s a good thing; however, I don’t ever want to forget how bad I felt, lest I slip down toward the depths of hell yet again.
Before all of this “feeling better” stuff, I was right down there in the muck, all the time. I struggled mightily, as you know, for decades. And yet, somehow, I survived *just long enough* to start feeling better.
It seemed like I was never too far from the bottom. Know what I mean? Every day was a fight to some degree. The goals on my Safety Plan were to “feel better” and to “stay out of the hospital”.
And look at me now – I haven’t been in a psych unit for almost three years (that’s a modern-day record for me, folks!) and I do feel better. In fact, I feel downright good most of the time! ?
Do you know what that feels like? I know it may sound silly that someone might not be able to even comprehend feeling good, but it’s not. I was so distraught for so long, I couldn’t remember ever being happy. Can you?
I honestly thought that happiness and feeling “normal” had left me in their dust, and that it would be a fucking miracle if I ever caught up to them.
Well, I don’t believe in miracles. But I do believe in Karma.
WHAT THE HELL IS “NORMAL” AND WHY DO I CARE?
I think the only reason I’ve survived for so long is that I must have had just a teeny-tiny, almost imperceptible bit of hope inside me all along. It wasn’t anything I could feel, though. It was buried too deeply.
And now here I am, talking about feeling “normal”? What a trip!
I’m not sure I know what “normal” is; I don’t even know if it really exists. But I do know that I’m now leading a life that feels like it has meaning. I do things now. I get out of the house (as much as I can while under quarantine). I exercise. It’s tennis season again, so I’ve been running around the court every so often. And, despite the pandemic, it all feels good.
Let’s take a look at the definition of “normal”, shall we?
Merrian-Webster lists several definitions; I will only share the relevant ones:
- conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern;
- occurring naturally;
- free from mental illness: Mentally sound
Did you notice that last one? That’s right – they explicitly include being mentally well in their definition. I wonder what others say? Bear with me for a moment while I look up “normal” in another dictionary…
Yup, there it is, straight from Dictionary.com:
- approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment.
- free from any mental disorder; sane.
I find that interesting. I’m big into semantics, and I guess I never thought I was “abnormal”. Sick, yes. Broken, naturally. Damaged, absolutely. But abnormal? Not so much. Being slowly destroyed from the inside out by massive depression and anxiety was my normal. I never thought I could feel any other way. And on the odd day that I did feel different, I couldn’t identify what it was.
Maybe I actually felt happy for those few hours on those days. I felt giddy, energetic, and I was more talkative than usual. And no, I wasn’t manic – although that was a fear, especially while I was under the MISdiagnosis of Bipolar Type II. Even though it felt good, I was very skeptical and wary of it.
Maybe it was a perfectly normal way to feel? Maybe you feel it, too, once in a while?
IS THIS WHAT NORMAL FEELS LIKE?
So my new normal looks like this: I have a positive attitude (so important!), I have things to look forward to, I’m in regular contact with all of my brothers and my mom (mostly due to COVID-19, as we check in with each other daily), I have a part-time job (!), and I don’t dread waking up anymore.
That’s a Big Fucking Deal to me.
I haven’t worked since September of 2019 (I haven’t been able to work full-time since 2005), and I do get bored easily. With the onslaught of COVID-19 cases and the stay-at-home orders, boredom has been a problem. Some days just trudge slowly, painfully along. I try to take advantage of those days by doing the things I’ve been procrastinating on and going to bed early. I’m not always successful, and some days my fatigue is bad enough that I can only do a few things. But I’m working on it.
Now, if I could just get into a routine in the mornings, I’d feel *that much* better. I’ve struggled with keeping a routine in the mornings for a long time. I know from experience that I feel better when I have structure, when I can automatically check off the first few things on my Today list. I also know from experience that it can be very hard to keep a routine going and not lose momentum.
My most successful and satisfying routine was three or four years ago, when I was doing yoga in the mornings. I felt good physically, I had more energy, I was more productive, and it helped clear my mind. Alas, my routine was disrupted for a few days, and that was all it took to get me to fall completely off the yoga routine wagon.
The last time I attempted to do yoga, maybe four months ago, I barely made it five minutes. I will keep trying, though, and I’ll keep you updated. ?
Despite my yoga failings and the boredom and stagnation due to Michigan’s stay-at-home orders, I still feel positive. There have only been two or three days that I’ve felt depressed since around Christmas, and – thankfully – they weren’t as all-encompassing as they used to be. AND – get this – it went away by the next day.
What a change!
I guess I believe that most people really are “fine” (read: “normal”) most of the time. (I’ve heard that FINE means Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional! LOL). I think they are reasonably satisfied with their lives, happy, and secure in the knowledge that life has meaning.
That’s the impression that I get, anyway. Am I wrong? I may be, but that’s how I see most of the people most of the time.
I’m no stranger to the “Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional” definition of “fine”, LOL, but I would just as soon fall into the group of people who are okay and satisfied with their lives. And I’m getting closer every day.
IN A NUTSHELL…
Change can be a good thing.
I don’t feel hopeless and alone anymore! YAY!!
I am living proof that, even if you’ve spent years hanging on for dear life, it can get better!!
Karma, karma, karma chameleon.
COVID-19 and the ensuing stay-at-home orders around the country and the world do not help anyone’s depression and have made many people’s anxiety worse.
Since my depression is currently in remission, does that mean I’m “normal” now?
I no longer dread waking up in the mornings.
I believe that most people are doing okay and feel good about life.
Routines are good for your mental wellness
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Previously Published on Depression Warrior
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