The Background
Most of my romantic relationships and flirtationships ended in me getting ghosted or broken up with, but a couple of them ended when I realized I deserved more. After being paperclipped and breadcrumbed, in which I felt used and unimportant, I cut off the relationship and stopped taking the bait.
In those situations in which I did the breaking up, I experienced a myriad of emotions. I felt hurt about the mistreatment I’d endured and worried I wouldn’t find anyone better. I felt proud of myself for finally giving myself respect. I felt powerless, and I felt powerful.
This period was truly life changing, in which painfully true epiphanies changed the way I viewed myself and others. My relationships, from that point on, have looked different.
Despite the occasional positive emotions I felt, I still struggled with the hurt that comes from any breakup. I didn’t want to admit I was yet again utterly single and that I wasn’t as special as my exes made me feel at times. I didn’t want to admit even the most seemingly respectful men had their downsides.
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The List
Whenever I’m trying to figure a person out or make a decision, I feel the need to consult with many people. I need insight, advice and opinions from my best friends, my therapist, my partner, my parents and more before finalizing my thoughts.
I end up hearing a lot of viewpoints that helped me understand and feel better. I’m grateful to have so many people who love me and want to help.
While my loved ones all usually have something different to say — which is why I go to all of them — I heard one piece of advice repeatedly. Apparently, if I wanted to move on, feel better and help myself find healthier, happier relationships, I needed to do this:
Make a list of qualities I want in a partner, in order, differentiating between the ones I need and the ones I’d prefer.
Hearing this didn’t make me feel all that better. I believed I knew what I wanted, and that it hadn’t gotten me anywhere so far. I didn’t even want to think about a next partner because I felt so hopeless about meeting anyone else. I felt hopeless that this list wouldn’t really change anything.
I wanted some kind of encouragement that would make me feel better about my current situation, not a suggestion that felt like flowery words we all say but never like to hear.
But looking back, maybe that piece of advice made some sense after all.
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Does This Sound Bad?
I hate to say this suggestion out of fear it sounds bad, but I think it’s useful and fair to say too: Sometimes thinking about qualities we didn’t appreciate in an ex can help us get over them and become happier. By making that list, I would realize my unhappiness in that old relationship and that I could be happier with someone else.
Part of my problem in the first place was my willingness to settle. I was desperate for romantic love and affection to where I’d tell myself certain aspects of a partner or how they treated me was okay, even though in my heart, it wasn’t. By having this list and seeing how much I was settling on, as well as seeing what I needed but wasn’t getting, I could feel hope for something better and feel more peace about the breakup itself.
Psychology Backs It Up
According to a Psychology Today article, writer Dr. Melanie Greenberg believes that thinking about how we can grow from a breakup can help us handle it. We can use that relationship to learn more about ourselves as individuals and who we are in relation to another person. By looking at what I want and need in a partner, I’m able to reflect on what worked and will make me happier with someone new.
In another Psychology Today article, Dr. Greenberg notes that after a breakup, people — especially women — tend to ruminate on the relationship and what they believe they did wrong. They’re likely to put too much blame on themselves.
However, by making that list about my wants and needs, I’m not only setting myself up for future success, but I’m also realizing all that wasn’t my fault. I’m realizing aspects of the relationship that just weren’t great, or important characteristics my ex didn’t have. This type of help can make us feel better in the moment as well, which is what I wanted.
Additionally, by separating the two of us in this way, I’m also teasing apart who I am and what I like about myself specifically. According to research, some of the most painful parts of a breakup are rejection and feeling like you lost a part of yourself. In relationships, we can get caught up in the other person and define ourselves partially through our relationship with them. We need their approval. By looking at what I want and need, I’m separating myself from my ex and future partner, seeing what I love about myself and value in others. I’m learning neither one of us is perfect, and that’s okay and normal.
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While I believe these perspective-changing thoughts are helpful, I don’t know if they were exactly the intention of the people who suggested the special list to me. Maybe they just wanted a way to help me find better future relationships and thought the list would help.
Regardless, seeing what went wrong with our exes and figuring out what will make us feel more fulfilled can be helpful in dealing with a breakup. We need to realize who we are as individuals, and that we are not wholly to blame. We need to realize our ex wasn’t perfect either, and this rejection now will lead to success later.
If you’re going through a breakup right now or are still struggling after months or years — no judgment — try to see the relationship in a way that makes you realize why it’s a good thing that it’s over. Try to see the part where you’re happier, not where you’re hurt. Validate what you’re dealing with and be self-compassionate, but also be helpfully honest. Reach out to others if you need support or suggestions.
Ultimately, know this: You are enough just as you are. You will find the love you desire, and you need not settle. Happier days and relationships are ahead, and they will find you at the best time.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
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