“In therapy, the problem is always the whole person, never the symptom alone. We must ask questions that challenge the whole personality.” ~Carl Jung
Carl Jung is one of the most influential theorists on psychoanalysis of our time.
His theories on archetypes, and especially our “Shadow” self are explained as what lies within our unconscious — all the parts of our personality we deny or distract ourselves from.
Our Ego is what is vying for control to keep the content of our “shadow” hidden. This ironically results in being controlled by our Ego; by our habits, by our impulses, and believe-it-or-not, by the very shame our Ego tries to push away.
Go figure…
Needless to say, Jung’s theories can shed light on the things we do, and why we do them — why we repeat toxic habits that ruin our happiness, or why we hurt others.
Or, why we engage in rebound relationships and avoid personal growth which winds up hurting ourselves.
Personal growth is about the challenge of moving past our Ego and conquering our fears for self-empowerment.
This can’t happen if we’re distracting ourselves.
As a result, many don’t accept this challenge.
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Look, I get it. Relationship endings suck. The longer we were with someone, the more amazing the shared memories, the harder it can be to let go of the person we thought we would spend “forever” with.
Yet, forever to one person can have an expiration date to another.
Walking away from what was a significant relationship can be tough. Even the word significant has a different meaning from one person to the next; from one relationship to the next, so understanding the common types of relationships can help with defining “significant”.
Non-Significant vs. Significant Relationships
We’ve probably all experienced vanilla relationships that were “OK” and temporarily filled a void or lessened the boredom. These are identified as non-significant relationships that are most common with casual sex, flings and rebounds, where a band-aid is used to stop the bleeding from the pain of loss from a significant transformational relationship.
Transactional and transformational relationships have their roots in leadership, I/O psychology and management but the philosophy has often extended to intimate relationships.
Transactional intimate relationships are often based on limited growth and mostly involve an exchange — giving something to get something in return. These relationships are casual or rebound relationships based on good times, sex, self-absorbed interests or esteem goals (making them feel good about themselves while distracting them from past pain or regrets) and in exchange they pump up the esteem of their partner.
Some may evolve into a longer-term relationship, but what is commonly reported is a feeling of incompleteness or superficiality where balance is off. The relationship may be “good” but perhaps partners aren’t pushing or challenging each other mentally or emotionally, or challenges surround superficial goals (saving for an upgrade in electronics or a new car).
In transactional relationships, intimacy is often exchanged for excitement to fill the void of emotional loss. Doing things replaces shared emotional experiences. Communication may not move past certain topics or there may be a list of topics that are “off limits” because they may trigger vulnerable emotions or past pain.
These are what limit transactional relationships and prevent growth.
Unlike non-significant relationships, transformational relationship are identified by how personal growth happens exponentially through the experience and from the experience. These relationships are rare — and can’t be pushed, faked or created. These are the relationships that Jung would argue are between the Anima and Animus and their personal and collective unconscious’; two people finding each other and somehow perfectly understanding what the other needs for growth.
These are also the relationships that trigger our fears, our pain, our anger, and our “shadow” side. They challenge us personally, emotionally and mentally to prepare us for growth. These are the relationships where we know each other intuitively, we know each other’s thoughts, emotions and feelings and see through each other; through the mask. These relationships are about teaching, learning, showing, evolving, and growing together.
These are also the relationships identified as the most painful when loss is experienced and often prompt a rebound relationship to soften the emotional blow.
What often adds to the depth of pain felt during and following the breakup of a significant relationship is how influential the relationship was to our overall personal growth.
Unfortunately, when rebound relationships are used as a band-aid from the loss of a significant relationship, the loss is magnified with loss of personal awareness and personal growth.
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Transformational relationships are about teaching us, helping us evolve as individuals and helping us become aware of the areas needed for improvement in our own personal growth journey.
For example, intimate relationships that teach us personal growth have been shown to be much more difficult to walk away from for those with a healthier attachment style. In these situations, personal growth is usually triggered both during and after the loss of a significant relationship.
For most.
But, not all.
On the flip-side, those who avoid or deny the impact of a significant relationship ending are more inclined to avoid and distract themselves with a rebound relationship which has been negatively correlated with personal growth — in other words by trying to prevent the pain of loss they’re preventing their own emotional growth.
For example, those with healthy or anxious attachments tend to be more self-aware in examining why a significant relationship ended, including their part in why it ended. As a result, they experienced more personal growth and self-improvement post-breakup.
However, those with avoidant attachment styles were more defensive, more prone to blame the partner for the loss, and more inclined to use rebound relationships as an unhealthy coping strategy.
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How Our Attachments Influence Us
John Bowlby was a theorist and psychoanalyst known for his work on attachment theory. His work has been recognized as ground-breaking regarding how our earliest attachments in childhood (secure, anxious, or avoidant) influence our adult attachments and overall well-being.
While some research supports that having a “fling” immediately following the ending of a long-term transformational relationship can help a person get over the initial pain of the relationship ending, there is significantly more research confirming rebounds as harmful, not helpful.
For example, rebounds have been known to increase negative emotional dependency, are used as unhealthy coping strategies to mask deeper pain and are seen as toxic to personal awareness and growth.
For healthy growth post break-up, it’s necessary for people to give themselves enough time to examine their behavior, what the relationship brought them and taught them, and how to improve upon themselves for their next relationship.
Rebound relationships prevent these steps which also prevents the growth that should happen post break-up.
Signs It’s a Rebound
Aside from the biggest sign that a new relationship started too soon after a long-term ended, there’s a few key signs that the relationship is a rebound which include:
There Hasn’t Been Enough Time to Mourn the Loss. Many theorists and relationship experts say on average it’s healthy to give ourselves about 6–8 weeks for every year the relationship lasted. So, a 5-year relationship should be about 8-10 months healing time. Double the time if the relationship was toxic.
The point is to allow ourselves time to evolve, to learn who we are, to learn and respect what our last partner taught us, and to tackle any habits we want to work on so we don’t bring them with us into a new relationship. When not enough time has passed for personal awareness and growth before jumping into a new relationship (or worse yet, a rebound) we’re taking our old unresolved baggage into a new thing.
Emotional Intimacy Is Lacking. The fact is, rebound relationships are meant to fill a void and to keep us using emotional band-aids to numb and distract. These relationships are void of authenticity and intimacy where sex is usually the go-to distraction and the goal is to either subconsciously “get back” at our ex, or to boost our Ego as being desirable and wanted.
Both are toxic to self-awareness and personal growth where things like in-depth conversations, emotional intimacy and vulnerability, talking about our biggest fears or failures are exchanged for giving our Ego false hope in the form of sex.
Mental Comparison. This is probably the biggest red flag it’s a rebound. And, if we’re honest with ourselves, we will come to realize that things like nostalgia, shared places or experiences will trigger memories of our ex we haven’t given ourselves the time to get over. When we’ve shared a significant relationship with someone, it’s natural to be emotionally triggered when we pass our favorite coffee house we used to go to with them, when we hear a song on the radio that reminds us of them, or when we do something with a new partner that we once shared with our ex.
It’s natural to get teary eyed when hitting the drive-thru for our coffee and our ex isn’t there to share it with us. It’s natural to change the station when that damn song comes on that triggers first date memories with them or long-distance drives that were shared. And, it’s natural to want to push away these feelings and emotions because they can be challenging to deal with.
However, not dealing with our feelings by denying they’re there is what makes us stick to a rebound out of fear of being alone or fear of facing our pain, instead of giving ourselves time to grieve the loss for own growth.
Showing Off Turns to Boredom. Rebounds are often in place to upset an ex or to get a reaction out of them as being desirable or wanted by a new partner — again it’s Ego in full-swing here. We may tell our friends or family that we’re happier now than we’ve ever been or we may be trying to convince ourselves we are. After the fizzle of showing off wears off, disillusionment and boredom set in.
On a good note, this is where many of us start realizing a cycle or unhealthy situation. However, with realization often comes the pain of loss, in recognizing habits or in noticing a pattern of generational pain, so it’s always a safe idea to have a trusted counselor, teacher or mentor around to help guide us and support us through the process.
Processing Pain
This sucks. There’s no short way around it, unless of course, you opt for the rebound. Unfortunately, rebound relationships are not only unfair to the person we’re in one with, they’re unfair to ourselves. We are shortchanging ourselves the chance to grow and heal.
And, we’re staying stuck in a loop that keeps limiting our growth.
Don’t Deny Your Feelings. We need to allow ourselves to feel the full gamut of our emotions as we’re starting to recognize them and experience them. One of the biggest reasons rebound relationships happen is because we’re either totally out of touch with our own emotions or have been used to pushing them away and denying what we feel. Either way, it’s toxic to our growth.
Breakups will have us feeling anger, cheated, confused, sad, full of regrets, even jealous if our ex jumped right into a rebound. Healthy coping is about recognizing and identifying what we’re feeling — and if we’re unable to identify the emotion we should find someone we trust who can help us sort through the emotional collateral damage, post break-up.
Prioritize, Don’t Personalize. The difference between these boils down to prioritizing our growth, which means taking ownership for our part in the breakup and learning from it. But,don’t personalize it. Self-blame is toxic and often breeds self-sabotage (i.e., chasing a rebound), which can only breed more pain for everyone. The goal is to accept the areas we need to sharpen for our own personal growth without beating ourselves up or sabotaging ourselves. As with most things, balance is key.
Be Open About Your Feelings. Talking or journaling are powerful tools to help us gain insight into the relationship dynamics, our own behavior, our ex’s behavior and our negative feelings. By taking the time to figure things out, we’re launching the growth process. Sometimes we may struggle in saying what we want to, so writing our feelings or thoughts down may be another way to help us become more aligned with our emotional needs surrounding the breakup.
Recognize if There’s a Habit. Part of processing pain is recognizing the habits and patterns that keep us locked into the pain. Unhealthy habits are anything that are used to numb, to deny, to distract — drinking, self-medicating, rebound relationships, becoming a workaholic or burying ourselves in other hobbies.
If an unhealthy habit has been our go-to “answer” in the past, why? Was it modeled by family? Was it taught by a friend? If avoiding our own emotions or pain is keeping us distracted, this is a red flag of an unhealthy coping strategy that’s affecting our peace. The only way to break any habit is to recognize and accept if there is one, and then to make the necessary healthy changes.
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References
Brumbaugh, C. C. (2006). Transference and attachment: How do attachment patterns get carried forward from one relationship to the next? Society for Personality and Social Psychology, 32(4), 552–560.
Holmes, J., 1993. John Bowlby And Attachment Theory. London: Routledge.
Jung, C. G. (1959). The archetypes and the collective unconscious. London: Routledge & K. Paul.
Marshall, T. C., et al. (2013). Attachment styles and personal growth following romantic breakups: The mediating roles of distress, rumination and tendency to rebound. Breakups and Personal Growth, 8(9), 1–12.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Jake Davies on Unsplash
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