“I’ve been gaslighted.”
This might be something you’ve seen on the internet before. It’s quite common, and it’s something a lot of people fail to recognize. But it’s an abuse tactic that can negatively impact others, and it’s something many domestic abuse victims go through.
There are many signs of gaslighting that are worth looking at. But what is it at its core? Read on to find out.
The Origin of the Term
The term comes from the 1944 film titled “Gaslight.” In this film, a woman named Paula falls in love with a guy named Gregory. After a fervent romance, they get married, and soon, it’s learned he’s a narcissist, leading Paula to believe she’s insane.
In the move, Gregory messes with a gaslight that’s in the attic, which dims the lights in the house.
Paula says she hears something in the attack, but then Gregory tells her that it’s her imagination, which makes Paula question her judgment. He continues to tell her that she’s wrong and she’s not hearing anything.
What is it Then?
It’s this process of messing with a person’s thoughts and head. Basically, a narcissist will use this on people in order to gain control of them.
There are different levels of gaslighting. Sometimes, it happens without people even really noticing, but sometimes, it’s obvious there is harm going on there.
Anything from telling a victim that they’re wrong, that they’re “imagining things” that they “sound crazy” to even telling them that they need to “get help for those strange thoughts” are examples of gaslighting.
This is commonly used in abuse situations. The victim will come forth and tell someone about a situation. Perhaps the abuser was cheating on them and the victim says that they thought they saw someone’s lipstick left in the bathroom. The narcissist will tell the victim they’re “imagining things” and will continuously tell the victim this until they start to think that they are.
This is a very abusive tactic when used consistently and with the intent to harm, and the problem is, some of us don’t even recognize it.
The Warning Signs of Gaslighting
There are some warning signs of gaslighting that abusers use, and you may notice them if you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist.
For starters, they’ll tell blatant lies. They’ll say something so huge and off the wall that you’re not sure if anything they say is ever true. The goal of that is to keep you on your toes.
They also will deny anything you say, even if you have the proof. So yes, you might bring the lipstick there, but they’ll lie, they’ll tell you that they never did that. If they say they’ll never lie to you again and they do and you question them, they’ll say they “never said that.”
Their actions will not match their words. So they’ll say one thing and do another, and oftentimes, the only way to figure out if you’re being gaslighted is if they are doing things other than what they’re saying.
They also tend to be very hard to deal with and will commonly use things you hold near and dear to yourself as ammunition for their tactics. So they’ll use kids, for example, if it’s a narcissistic wife or husband, or they’ll use your friends and family if it’s someone else.
Finally, they love confusion. They’ll project like crazy, throw around positive reinforcement, and from there, they’ll continue to throw confusion in. The reason being, is they know it’ll weaken the victim and cause them to wear down over time.
How can you See if You’re Being Gaslighted?
So how can you tell if you’re being gaslighted? There are a few things that you can see in yourself, and we’ll highlight them below:
- You continuously apologize.
- You ask yourself if you’re being too sensitive and overreacting, even if you don’t think so
- You feel confused, oftentimes even crazy
- You feel upset almost all the time, especially when dealing with them
- You’re always feeling off, but don’t know why
- You struggle with decisions
- You make excuses for the behavior of the other person
- You start lying
- You notice you start to act similar to the other person
- You wonder if you’re adequate
All of these do happen, and they’re a sign that you’re being gaslighted, so you should be careful.
Abuse and Gaslighting
Sometimes, victims can gaslight because they’re projecting the feelings of abuse they had from the past.
This creates the cycle however, of some people becoming abusers because of the abuse they received in the past.
Narcissists don’t make up a lot of the populace, but the truth is, if the person recognizes that they were using this as a tactic, they might be able to curb the behavior right away.
How to Stop the Gaslighting
If you want to stop gaslighting first you must identify that it’s happening. Start to record the conversations so you can be objective on them. Figure out if there is a power struggle going on and start to visualize what’s going on in your relationship in a more positive manner.
Remember you should take care of yourself too. By recording conversations, whether with your phone or in a journal, you’ll be able to prove that you were right, and it might help the person stop. But you also shouldn’t let people control you either.
You need to take care of yourself too. Self-care is incredibly important and seeing a therapist for this kind of situation is very beneficial. Having a strong support group matters too.
Remember, gaslighting is traumatic, and it’s hard to overcome those feelings of inadequacy and feeling like you might be crazy. But, learning to recognize it is the first step to finding a solution to the problem. So, if you’re feeling like you might be getting gaslighted, take a moment and dissect what’s going on, so you can have a feel for the problem at hand, and figure out a solution.
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