Six years ago, after being divorced from my son’s mother for about a decade, I found myself at a crossroads that would come to define how I made decisions involving my kids.
Although we both remarried, her second marriage had also recently ended in divorce. She called me up one morning and said she needed to talk. I had no idea what was coming because she was always rather unpredictable in that regard. I took it in stride and agreed to meet with her to discuss whatever was on her mind.
She came right to the point. Once again she found herself a single mother trying to live in Southern California. But the cost of living was killing her financially and she said she had to move because she just couldn’t make it work anymore.
Then she asked if I’d consider moving as well.
A number of thoughts went through my head, but I immediately knew there were only two options:
1) I could say no. She would be forced to stay out of guilt and, more importantly, by court order. We had stipulated neither of us could leave the county, much less the state, without the other’s consent. All I had to do was refuse and she would have no choice but to stay and go bankrupt. After getting fleeced in the divorce, I admit it was a tantalizing proposition.
2) I could say yes. I would have to quit a great job, one that allowed me to pay the kind of child support I was already providing. I would also have to sell my house and move to parts unknown to find new work in a new city. All of this in addition to convincing my current wife, who would have to do all of the same things, that this was a good idea.
The latter was clearly the tougher road less traveled.
She knew she couldn’t just up and leave with my son, so I’m sure she briefly contemplated the impossible choice to leave without him. She was also well aware it wasn’t feasible to take our son away from his father either. So she did what she knew was right and simply asked if I would consider going too, for the good of all.
I chose number two.
It was actually a pretty easy decision, because there was only one plan in which my son didn’t suffer. Even though his mother had succeeded in ruining me financially years before and the opportunity to pay her back in spades was there for the taking, I realized no one really wins in that situation. And when it came to my son. I wouldn’t allow my own feelings to impact his well being. As soon as I put my son’s needs ahead of my own, the answer was obvious.
Once I agreed to consider it, we scheduled time for all of us to sit together and discuss the idea. Including my new wife was obviously an important part of the process, and I made sure she had an equal say in the matter. We came up with a short list of cities based on climate, family, city size, environment, etc. Then, once we narrowed it down some, it really came down to locating the best school system.
All that mattered in the end was what would give our son the greatest benefit. Once that goal was in focus, everything else just fell into place and that allowed us to all feel good about the decisions we had made. It has been six years now and none of us has any regrets about the decision to leave SoCal.
Life is full of tough decisions. But if you always remember to put your child’s wellbeing ahead of your own and base your decisions accordingly, everything will work out fine.
Best of luck.
—Photo greg westfall/Flickr
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Pretty amazing. I have seen parents that are still married and living in the same house that have trouble putting their children first. Bravo for not letting the past rule your future.
Also, what a wonderful woman your new wife must be. I hope the future is bright for the two of you.
Doing the right thing is not the same thing as doing things right. Well played!
Ok, somehow hit “send” too soon, stupid iPad! Anyway, I just wanted to say “thank you” for considering the welfare of your child first and foremost. My husband’s parents divorced when he was a baby and he spent his whole childhood as a pawn and instrument of revenge for his mother against his father. He is a 32 year old man and father now himself and has overcome great obstacles, but still bares scars from his childhood. Thank you for being not only being man enough, but HUMAN enough, to do everything in your power to raise your child in… Read more »
Although I am not divorced, this article touched me. I just wa
I must say , being able to personally relate to this very well, it brings up two things. First, on a simple level, it’s beautiful. But, knowing how complicated these things are, I am sure this article is a huge oversimplification. Why didn’t he try to help her out financially (more) than moving? Why didn’t she try and get another job? There are a lot of jobs in SoCal, esp 6 years ago. I do get that noone looked back, according to the story, and that’s an amazing thing in and of itself, which if taken at face value shows… Read more »
Yup, thats exactly the right answer: no. 2. And the hardest answer. Some of us have given up things we love deeply for our children’s welfare. I guess the trick is not to be bitter about it.
Hi Jack.. what a wonderful.. non self centred decision you made. You didn’t focus on the actions and choices of your ex.. you zoomed in on your children! Now if all adults did that.. we would have stable chldren growing up to be adult human beings. I have been married twice. Once was an arranged marriage. Second my choice. My first child is the most stable young lady at 18 I have met. Only because her father and I made a pact that she is number one. I left him. He didn’t make his daughter pay for the pain I… Read more »
Uhm I’m not really sure about this but here we go. Obviously your ex best intentions was only for herself and not your son. Family and friends live close by and the ex wanna move because of economy? Of course the most of us have our own kids as our main interest.and I myself has a similar case in which I have to move over the hill to get custody from an abusing mother. But sorry for saying this dear sir but i can´t help but feel that you are a pushover. Please explaine for my feeble brain what in… Read more »
Was it out of the question to have your ex move into your household?
It cost me $20,000 and a year of my life to get her out of my household. Bringing her back in was the last thing I was going to do. My new wife would not have gone for that either.
Jack: This was a fabulous article. We must be on the same wave length, because I have an article coming out soon on Huffington Post about this very issue. I think it is crucial to put your children first and if more people did that, divorced or not, things would be so much better.
Lee
Perry,
Not having both parents in his daily life was considered “not an option”. It is hard enough for us to be without him for the few days a week when he is at the other parent’s house. Going weeks and months without him present was never considered as a viable option for his development. We both feel very strongly about having a consistent pattern of influence from both parents in his life on a daily basis.
Jack
There was a third option, and it’s sad it was not considered.
Assuming you had a fulfilling job and were gainfully employed and not eager to go to Southern California—-why not give you custody? Or joint custody with a generous visitation schedule built around the school year when the boy came to be that old? Kids fly unaccompanied all the time.
What are we missing?
Adrienne,
I am so sorry to hear that and thank you for your kind words. I hope your ex will some day see the light and consider his children first.
Kip,
The move was 1000 miles away and yes I was able to find a new job and a new home and have made some wonderful new friends. Most importantly, my son has thrived here and couldn’t be happier.
Thanks
Great article! How significant was the move and were you able to find another great job?
What a grown up way to be.
This is brilliant, and considers your child first. High five to all of you!
I’m the one currently being fleeced, and Dad does whatever he wants. He would NEVER agree to something like this, and treats all situations as though it is HIS (and his girlfriend’s) wellbeing and comfort that matters, not that of our 3 children.
This is a great article and just the sort of information that should be offered at counseling sessions concerning the kids or reading material to be handed out. They require parenting meetings now for divorces with children and this would be great advice for planting the seeds needed during the child rearing process. This article shows that you can CHOOSE to minimize the damage done by divorce by putting your child first. Very impressive choices Jack!
I hope so too. Thank you for commenting.
Jack
I teared up reading this, such a good example of putting personal pain and issues aside to put your child first. Hopefully people reading this will learn from it and do the same.