You’re hard working, you’re honest, faithful, and genuinely feel like you’re doing your best. Yet, even with all of that, you still don’t feel like you ever quite measure up. Sound familiar?
Feeling inadequate is, unfortunately, fairly common for many people. Both men and women are susceptible to the external and internal pressures that make us feel like we’re never doing enough and always falling short. For men, however, societal expectations and gender stereotypes that continue to persist put them in particular risk for feeling constantly inadequate in one way or another.
Where and Why Men Feel They Fall Short
Right or wrong, men are expected to be a lot of things, and there are also are certain things they are NOT expected to be (emotional, vulnerable, weak). Feeling that they aren’t meeting these expectations can cause many men to question their worth and suffer (often silently) with self-doubts, even if these expectations are unrealistic.
Although everyone’s life is different, there are 4 main areas where men tend to feel most insecure. Unfortunately, any one of these 4 areas can take up a great deal of a man’s life and mental energy.
• Work Whether it’s feeling like he hasn’t advanced far enough or like someone is always besting him, a man’s security with his performance at work can feel like standing on quicksand. You may be on top for a moment but there’s always someone right there who’s ready to knock you down. And many men struggle with feeling like they haven’t accomplished enough or made enough money in their careers.
• Relationships Do you know any man who feels like they have the relationship thing locked down and mastered? Probably not. A lot of men tend to feel they are somehow disappointing their partner in one way or another. This often comes down to feeling out of tune with their partner’s emotions. Women typically have a better understanding of their own feelings and are more adept at expressing them. They are also more nuanced when it comes to interpreting their partner’s actions and emotions. This can lead many men to feel they’re always doing something wrong, saying something wrong, and unsure of what to do next in their relationships.
• Sex. There shouldn’t be a problem here, right? After all, most men like to feel confident (ans sometimes boast) about their sexual prowess. The truth, however, is that a number of men are always a bit concerned about how to and if they can please you. Or, stepping a bit further back, if you really do want to have sex with them.
• Parenting I know a man who actually prayed he wouldn’t have a son when his wife was pregnant. He was worried that he would be a bad father to a boy that he just wanted girls because he was sure his wife would be a better parent to a girl than he would to a boy. Parenting is something that can cause even the most secure amongst us to question themselves (and sometimes their sanity). For men, however, the idea of being made so vulnerable and humbled by the love and responsibility for another completely dependent human can bring out the worst feelings of inadequacy.
You’d be hard pressed to find a man who doesn’t have at least one of these areas in his life. And equally as challenged to find a man who doesn’t question his own adequacy and worth in them as well.
The Problem With A Man’s Feelings Of Inadequacy
Men don’t have a corner on the self-doubt market, women certainly struggle also. One of the differences is that women are generally encouraged to talk about their feelings. They also develop the kind of relationships with others that allow for open conversation and vulnerability. This means that coping with the areas where they feel they’re falling short can often be done in a healthier and more productive manner by women.
Men, on the other hand, are taught that showing self-doubt is a sign of weakness. Therefore, it’s extremely common for a man to try and cover-up and/or compensate in other ways for wherever it is that he feels isn’t good enough.
These efforts at compensating or camouflaging are dangerous ways of handling feelings. Rarely do the feelings of inadequacy go away on their own, in fact they usually manifest in other ways and can lead to very unhealthy behaviors, such as:
- Becoming emotionally aloof and disconnected.
- Developing anger issues.
- Using sarcasm and emotional cruelty to mask feelings.
- Becoming physically or emotionally abusive.
- Rejecting relationships to the point of becoming isolated and lonely.
There are certainly other ways that feelings of inadequacy can show up, but these are the most common results when those feelings aren’t managed in a healthy manner.
Although we all can feel we aren’t good enough at times, persistent feelings of inadequacy aren’t something you should just “learn to live with.” Unaddressed these feelings will become a bigger problem for anyone who lets them fester, man or woman. If you feel this has become a problem for you or someone you love, there is help available and ways to change these feelings. And doing so will lead to a healthier and happier life overall.
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