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The nights are the worst. Those 3 am wake ups where you realize that this is not a bad dream. It’s real. Your marriage is over. Your relationship has ended. Your partner is no longer laying there next to you, and may never be again.
I might be 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years. It’s different for each person. But what is the same, is that your life has changed. Whatever the reasons, whatever the circumstances around what happened, the reality is, you are now alone.
So now what?
Here’s the good news. Your relationship as you knew it, is over. Why is that good news? It’s good news because you don’t really want to go back to what you had anyway. You left for a reason. Or maybe it was her. Or maybe it was mutual. But it ended.
So now what?
Heartbreak of this nature can feel like a deep dark well of emptiness. It can feel hopeless and confusing. Not only have you lost your partner, but the dreams, hopes, adventures and stories you had looked forward to creating, are gone with her. The loss is magnified 10 times when you realize you have lost a lifetime of memory-making.
So now what?
It’s time to stop. It’s time to stop. Let me say that again. It’s time to stop. Whatever you have been doing up until this point, has not worked. Whatever she has been doing up till this point, has not worked. Whatever you were both doing together up until this point, has not worked.
So now what?
The end of a marriage or a long term committed relationship is never ever an easy thing, no matter who pulled the pin. You need time to grieve. You need time to recalibrate. You need time to heal.
It doesn’t even matter at this point, whether your relationship is salvageable, or not. What matters is, you start to wake up to that inner voice which has been trying to get your attention for some time.
It has taken a breakup of this magnitude to get you to notice.
So now what?
What is it that you have not been noticing, or if you have — been ignoring. And I am not talking about forgetting to take the bin out or not noticing her new hair colour, though these things can be indicators.
I’m talking about why you as a man, have not taken full stock and responsibility for all the aspects of your life. But how do I know that? Because if you had, you’d be in a different place to where you are now, guaranteed.
So now what?
Maybe you really cannot see it. Maybe you look back and think to yourself, “but I did all the things she wanted me to do”. And right there is a big part of the problem.
You see, what she wanted from you, and what she needed from you, are two very different things. You may have done everything right, met all the job requirements of a good husband, ticked every box and then some, and still hear those fatal 4 words… “I want a divorce”.
WT actual F.
You may very well have delivered on every aspect of what she wanted from you. But what she needed from you, was for you to know who you are, why you’re here, and what your vision is for your life.
When you make your life about pleasing her, being the great husband, doing ‘all the things’, you ignore the one thing she needs from the man she loves. Heart.
So what now?
Heart is about living life on your terms. And that doesn’t mean ruling over, having power over, or cracking the whip over anyone else but yourself. When you are connected with your heart, your head will stop spinning.
Having heart means that you are in touch with your own journey. Having heart means that you are self aware of your own emotions and motives. Having heart means that you are living a life that invites others into it. Having heart means that you are at your most attractive and powerful self. Having heart means that you are conscious of your own triggers, your own moods, your own shadow, your own fears, your own hopes, dreams and desires.
But why does she need that?
Because you need that!
A man who does not live from his heart is a man out of touch and disconnected from his own masculine energy. And if you are disconnected, she cannot feel you. And if she cannot feel you, it doesn’t matter how much sh!t you do around the house, she will be disconnected from you. And if she is disconnected from you for too long, she will not want to continue with you.
A man disconnected from his heart will argue and defend, because he is too focused on what he does, rather than who he is, or who he is becoming.
Over time, she will lose respect for you. And without respect, there can be no attraction. And without attraction, there can be no relationship other than co-existing, and without relationship…. “I want a divorce”.
So now what?
You need to get in touch with your heart. The inner you. This has nothing to do with what you own, have, achieved, or look like. This is about what makes you, you — what makes you tick — what makes you get out of bed in the morning — what gives your life purpose and meaning.
A man who starts to get in touch with those parts of himself, is a man who can start to generate some inner mojo back in his life. This will also include asking yourself some hard questions. Who am I? What are my fears? What are my triggers? What are the parts of me that I have shut down, disowned, disliked? What drives me? What makes me proud of the man that I am?
Having heart is deeply connected to who you are — your identity as a man. If you have lost that, if it has gotten buried beneath a pile of ego, insecurities, fears, doubts and worries, you need to start uncovering it again. It can start with as simple a task as writing it all down in a journal every day.
It may involve getting help, seeing a therapist, joining a men’s group, talking with others who you trust and can be accountable to. But most of all it takes a commitment from and to yourself, to be a man of heart — it starts with awareness. It takes courage. It takes honesty. It takes facing the brutal truths. It takes not running away. It takes facing your shame. It takes listening to the little boy within. It takes unlearning some of the patterns and habits you have acquired along the way.
When a man starts to get connected to his heart, his inner self, his own energy, his soul, his mojo, his emotions, his authentic self, his whole world changes from the inside out, including his relationships.
Will all of this heart stuff fix your marriage? Will your wife come back to you? There are no guarantees of that, because she is on her own journey with her own work to do. But what I will say is, that if you dive deep into this work, and connect deeply with your inner man, you will resurface a better man than the one who went under.
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Photo: Shutterstock
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