In ten minutes, Frederick Marx explains, you can answer the only question that really matters: do I want to see her again or not?
At three key times in my life dating became a kind of coming out party. I was coming out after long recovery processes from previous relationships. So I took a scary step and posted ads in Personals sections. I did it as a way to serve notice to myself that I was back in the game, willing and ready to put myself on the line to find a good woman.
Oddly, to some extent I didn’t much care if I found one or not. I was happy to announce to myself and the world that I was done grieving. It was an important symbolic threshold to cross. I was open for business, ready to love and be loved again. As it turned out, I never did find a long-term mate from these three searches. But I never regretted the experience. Dealing with the weirdness, the uncertainty, the fear of rejection, all helped grow me as a man.
Along the way I met some wild and wacky women. I was about half way through one date when my date literally ran away from me. All I could make out as she was running down the street was “Oh, there’s my bus! Gotta go, now. Bye!” I knew things weren’t going well. I think I was done in her eyes after I tried to get her to split the dinner bill. After I got over the shock of her running for the bus I laughed myself silly. Maybe she was afraid I would run after her.
I used to schedule dates for a whole evening with women I hadn’t even met. Experiences with the rapid transit lover quickly showed me how stupid that was. So I scaled back. Then I would meet women just for coffee or an informal meal.
Until one day. That day I sat through the lunch from hell with one woman from Neptune. In the first ten seconds of meeting her I knew not only was I not interested I hoped I’d never see her again as long as I lived. I couldn’t bear the thought of eating food so I didn’t order. And yet there I sat through 44 agonizing minutes watching her eat lunch. If the frozen smile on my face fell off it would’ve cracked the table in two.
♦◊♦
That’s when I finally got sensible. I made hard and fast rules: No, I won’t exchange emails with you other than to exchange phone numbers and work out logistics for getting together. No, I won’t talk with you more on the telephone beyond our one first call and some brief getting to know you preliminaries. And when we get together? Ten minutes max. That’s it. No kidding. I wouldn’t even order a cup of tea in case it took too long to cool and drink. I’d grab a glass of water.
Did I lose the opportunity to meet plenty of women this way? Maybe. But I don’t care. Life is too short to repeat this particular ring of hell.
Why no phoning, no emailing, just a brief, initial face to face? Because I learned. Lots of women are going to sound fantastic on the telephone. Lots of women are going to be clever and funny as hell on email. But the bulk of your relationship will not consist of phone calls and emails. (If it does, well, you need more advice than I can give you.) Nothing is as important as someone’s presence. What they look like, feel like, act like…live. How they move. How they look at you. How they react when a dog suddenly barks. How they blow their nose. How they smell. That’s what matters. And in ten minutes max you can answer the only question that really matters: do I want to see her again or not? Nine out of ten times the answer will be no.
Think of all the time you’ve saved, the agony avoided. And that one in ten? If you call her the next day, and the next and the next, and she never returns your calls because she doesn’t want to see you again, ever, well, again, think of all the time you’ve saved.
The ten minute rule never stopped me from meeting my wife. Months after I had given up on dating, months after I had forgotten I still had a personal ad on a website, she contacted me. That first ten minute meeting turned out to be five because we couldn’t find each other at the café. I also made damn sure I had an unbreakable appointment right afterward. Did she think I was a bit crazy? Maybe. But on our single preliminary phone call I explained to her why I had that rule. And she got it. And to this day she laughs herself silly telling people of my first time meeting rules and how we only met for five minutes.
.
It should be noted that this whole article refers to dating using the personal section. I think dating websites are garbage for most me. But men advertising using a personal section WITHOUT responding to any ads by women makes a lot more sense. The 10 minute rule makes a lot of sense in that context. However if your meeting women at bars or clubs, the 10 minute rule is rendered moot. You are meeting a stranger face to face to begin with and you can leave at any time. So the rules makes less sense. If you like the girl… Read more »
Hey Frederick, Just like the book, ‘Blink’, by Malcom Gladwell We know truth even before we know it. The body knows, the mind knows…maybe it’s a three minute max knowing. I am believing lately though that each date or meeting has something to offer. Maybe the relationship will be only last three minutes; or it may last a life-time. Maybe the new model of intimacy will make room for a non attached way of being with a lover. Hope love continues to be rich and juicy for you and your bride.
To each its own. I’m usually prone to have several e-mails before phone calls or meeting. I love writing, and I know the women I like do the same. Besides, if someone is not able to openly describe herself in writing, I think that rings a bell: don’t you have anything to say about you?!? That’s my way to avoid wasting time: if she can’t write profusely and engagingly about herself, it’s probably a no. The best thing about online dating, IMO, is that people is – on average – more authentic. In RL people is seldom authentic, we have… Read more »
Yeah, I agree with this. Frederick’s way could never work for me. In fact I can usually tell from a few emails and/or phone calls if I definitely don’t want to meet the guy. Then we’ve both saved a lot of time driving somewhere. I agree with keeping first meetings brief and casual, like meeting at a coffee shop. But by the time I agree to meet a guy I usually have a pretty good idea that he’s at least a good conversationalist, and I like meeting people, so even if we don’t end up “dating” I probably will not… Read more »
If I was within one hour travelling distance of the other person. then i would use Frederick’s approach of minimal time emailing, phone, imming, texting before meeting – and a quick 15minute chat for a first meeting. aspects of a person can change, or be heightened or diminished by the restricted medium of email, texting, imming, phone – giving a false impression of who they actually are in real time. 15mins of facetoface would give me a more rounded sense of the person, and whether i want to see them again. whereas i found it took about 1 month of… Read more »
I’m glad it worked for Mr. Marx. Though when I read about his film credentials, I couldn’t help thinking it sounded more like “auditioning” than “dating.”
To be clear… I have no problem with it. The fact that he was so up front about his approach means that anyone who didn’t care to be “called back” probably wasn’t right for the part of “soulmate.”
I see it very similiar to how you described it Shawn. It worked for Fredrick and that’s what matters when it comes down to it for him. But I think if I ever went out on a first date with a man that only wanted to meet me for 10 minutes, I’d feel a bit degraded. That’s just me. I have been out on first dates that weren’t great, but each man I’ve met taught me more about myself. And in the process, I’ve learned to try better at appreciating people for who they are even if they aren’t “the… Read more »
Whether 10 minutes or 60, I do think the face to face is the best approach. I’m a fan of trying to set up dates where I see a person with their friends, and they see me with mine after the initial first.
That would not work for me. I don’t think I could tell much about someone in ten minutes. Five minutes really, if you assume they are trying to find out about me too. I met my wife on-line and by the time we met in person we were already sure about what we were going to do together. And that was before it was cool to meet people on-line. Back then it was, “How do you know this person is not an axe wielding manic?”
I suppose both approaches are pretty extreme.
Each method of communication has it’s own information density. 10 minutes of face to face time is probably 60 minutes of email communication (people speak about 130 words per minute and can only transpose at 20 wpm). I like face to face communication because that’s what I’m best at and also what takes the least amount of time out of my day. Phone is my next best option.