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Expecting 100% Obedience
In 2003, 14-year-old Seth Jones (name changed for anonymity) said, “I wish you would shut up!” during a disagreement with his stepdad. With consent from mom, his stepdad was furious and responded by physically punishing Seth. As a result, serious tension permeated the home for weeks. Unfortunately, cases like this are not rare in blended families. Stepkids all over the country receive harsh punishments for emotional outbursts that result in negative effects, such as tension, emotional distance, and depression. Those effects can add undue stress to the marriage. As a stepdad, you need to be realistic about what to expect from your stepkids.
Your stepkids will probably piss you off, sometimes deliberately. They might talk back, avoid being around you, goof off at inappropriate times, disrupt your plans, harass their siblings, verbally insult you, and defy your authority. You are not alone if you experience these emotional behaviors from your stepkids. Clearly, these behaviors will interfere with maintaining a healthy family environment. And those behaviors should not be ignored. However, addressing those behaviors and punishing a kid for those behaviors are not the same. If you have the unrealistic expectation of 100% obedience, you are more frustrated than you need to be, and you need my strategies!
The Strategy: Step Back from Discipline
When behavior issues arise, it is extremely important for you to let your spouse handle the discipline. If you want to build a loving, supportive, and long-lasting relationship with your stepchildren, you will have to take a back seat when it comes to addressing wrongdoing. This will require you to humble yourself and accept that the process of building a relationship with your stepchildren requires small steps, generosity, patience, understanding, boundaries, and consistency.
Forcing a Relationship
You must remember that your stepkids did not choose you to be part of their life; their mom chose you. The first time I ever met my stepdad was after I moved in with him and my mom into a new house. That was traumatic. Additionally, he started calling me “son” almost immediately. In my mind, he was a complete stranger.
Even if you did a better job than my stepdad at introducing yourself before everyone started living together, your stepkids still need a lot of time to adjust to the new family dynamic. If you want to be a good stepdad, you will need to accept outsider status (even in your own home) temporarily, as your stepkids acclimate to a new man being around. And, be prepared to wait at least two years before your stepkids accept you wholeheartedly.
The Strategy: Give Stepkids Space
Giving your stepkids personal space and slowly spending more and more quality time together is the best way to start building the framework for a satisfying and successful relationship with your stepkids. Don’t try to force family time, they won’t enjoy it if you do. Your stepkids will gradually want to spend more time with you if you approach the relationship with understanding and patience. It requires a slow paradigm shift for a child to welcome a new man as their mother’s significant other, and a father figure.
Messiah Complex
Some of you think that you are the answer to all the problems. If you do, you’re full of sh*t! Sure, you can potentially be an awesome addition to a broken family, but you are not better than them. And, it is not your job to “fix” things. There is not anything you can do to immediately remove your stepkid’s depression, anger, or emotional distance. Be understanding, supportive, and reliable, that is all you really need to do.
The Strategy: Give a Shoulder to Lean on
There is a lot going on in the family that you have nothing to do with. You don’t have all the answers, so don’t try to fix anything. You will do a lot more good, and last in the family a lot longer, if you provide trusted support and comfort. You are going to have to allow your wife and your stepkids to work together to deal with many of the problems they are experiencing. You trying to “fix” things is not helpful or needed. Just listen and show you care without taking over.
Summary
If you are a stepdad who really wants to build a strong, satisfying, and lasting relationship with your stepkids, step back from discipline, give your stepkids space, and give your stepkids a shoulder to lean on when they need it. Expecting obedience all of the time, forcing a relationship, and trying to fix things will not help you build a powerful and positive relationship with your stepkid(s).
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Previously published here and reprinted with the author’s permission.
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I am a recent stepdad, and I can say that everything you’ve said here is absolutely right in the light of my experience. Especially the need for patience, and trying to put yourself in your step-kids shoes – not ‘taking it personally’ if we are rejected at first. In other words, we have to behave like grown-ups. Not always easy – but it’s a fantastic opportunity for growth, especially when the situation is a challenging one! – looking at it that way makes it easier to handle the inevitable challenges. Thanks for writing this.
Steve, I appreciate your feedback! Being a good stepdad is not easy. But, it sounds like you are doing great.