5 Things To Remember As A Step-Father

First of all, let me first say congratulations on your new marriage! May it be blessed beyond belief. Also, a big congratulations on your new parental role and, in my opinion, the hardest role out there — the step-father.

Before I began to even consider marriage with my beautiful then-girlfriend/now-wife, I knew that if there was a future it would not only include her son, but also a relationship that would have to be fostered continuously by the adult — me. I knew that it would be difficult, but I didn’t understand just how taxing it would be at times (to the point of almost pulling my hair out, and I don’t have much left to pull!).

But over the past six years, I’ve come to realize the joys of step-parenting are well worth the grab bag of challenges that often accompany stepping into this unique role. And I’ve learned a few things along the way too. Hopefully, these tips can help you better navigate your new role as a step-dad.

1. Remember that you are the newest member walking into that dynamic.  

Understand that some hurt had to occur for your arrival, so be cautious and empathetic. Your step-child (or children) may not want to jump into your arms, no matter how open they may be — and that’s perfectly okay. Change may take time. Just stay calm and “in it for the long run.”

2. Don’t force a personal moniker too soon — or ever.  

I can’t emphasize enough: do NOT make your new step-child call you father when you are not. If they choose to do so, that’s something else. But if you make them, that can lead to many painful misunderstandings later. No matter how strange it may feel in public, or perhaps when your biological children refer to you as your first name because they have heard it from your step-children, just let it roll and focus on the bigger, long-lasting positives. Plus, it’s still such a wonderful experience to have your name called out by a kid.

3. Find similarities and shared likes.  

I had a friend recently tell me that he and his step-father enjoyed collecting vintage World War II memorabilia, and when they both found that passion together it really changed their relationship. Every relationship should be built on that kind of positivity. It could be sports, classic rock, cooking, a favorite sitcom, birding, etc. Remember the importance of a solid relationship. With my step-son, I try to connect in some way with him on everything — even if it’s something I’m not interested in. It’s never to late to learn something new and grow an appreciation for a new experience.

4. Friendliness can be inviting.  

You might not be the biological parent, but you’re still a parental figure and you can choose to create a positive dynamic with your step-child. Smile and ask about their day, what’s happening at school, if they want to join you while you work in the yard or the kitchen or wherever. You might find later your step-children trust you more because they see you as a friend. Listen to them and let them vent and remember that their life has challenges that you may not comprehend (as in having a step-father). Perspective is key.

5. Don’t ever forget they are living out their own lives.  

Those little people will someday be in charge of running everything themselves, and that is exciting. One of the most rewarding things about being a parent is seeing your child’s life unfold before them, and this is definitely the case as a step-father. Though you’re not a biological parent, the angle of that unfolding still has significance.

In short, the role of step-parent is akin to that of any parent — just be there for your step-child as much as possible, emotionally, physically and spiritually.