Most couples are due to experience boredom and loss of intimacy after some years have gone by. The thrills of a new relationship are long gone, kids may have come into play and financial issues are becoming a bigger stress factor for couples these days.

This phenomenon is so common that a common catchphrase was coined in 1955 after the title of a famous movie – the seven-year itch. It was based on the idea that couples start to get antsy and bored with each other around the seven-year mark.

So, what can a couple do to keep it together? We asked Dr. Sarah Williams from the Between Us Clinic – which provides online sex therapy programs – to give us some advice.

How do I know if my relationship has gotten boring?

There are several signs to indicate that you are bored with your relationship. The biggest one is not being able to remember the last time that you and your partner did something together that was very enjoyable and exciting. Or perhaps you are constantly reminiscing about happier times from the past because your relationship was a lot better then, and you may not feel that way now. You start envying your single friends. The sex in your relationship has become routine and neither of you care to put in effort to spice it up. You start to get annoyed with little things that they do and pick silly fights because you are irritated by them.

How do I communicate that to my significant other without hurting their feelings?

It is important to avoid using blaming language when bringing up the topic with your partner. This will only cause them to become defensive. Relationships are a two-way street, so it is important to own up to your contribution, as well. Instead of blatantly telling your partner that you are bored, perhaps you suggest that you’ve been stuck in the rut of the everyday routine and you think it would be fun for the both of you to do something new together.

How do I make sure my significant other will be receptive to these concerns?

Be thoughtful about how you express your feelings of being bored. Perhaps write down what you plan to say, so that you are able to step back and imagine how your partner might react. Avoid bringing up the topic if either of you are emotionally volatile, such as right after an argument, or when either of you might be tired or stressed, such as right after work or before bed. Express your feelings in a warm and understanding way. Let go of any negative feelings related to the relationship and prioritize thinking of ideas for creating a more positive and exciting relationship together. In other words, do not focus on things that happened in the past. Make sure that the discussion is only about making positive changes [in the future].

What can I do to fight boredom?

While it is very easy to blame your partner for becoming bored in the relationship, it may be more of an indication that there is something going on with you. Take some time to reflect inward on yourself with a genuine sense of curiosity. Are you unhappy with yourself or are you feeling insecure about something? Most of the time, boredom in a relationship can act as a cover-up and it might be that there are needs of your own that need to be fulfilled.

What can we do to increase intimacy and bring back the spark?

As Dr. Williams previously explained, “The deepest, most fulfilling, and most intimate relationships are ones that are both built upon, and continuously cultivated through, a high degree of vulnerability between each individual. It is critical for partners in a long-term relationship to learn about and continually practice being wholly open and vulnerable within the safety net of the relationship, in order to successfully maintain high levels of intimacy over time.

First, develop and strengthen your skills in self-awareness and self-exploration. Everyone is driven by internal needs and fears. These internal drivers and fears can have powerful effects on a person’s thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Ergo, as the person becomes increasingly more aware of their internal drivers and the unique impact they have, they begin to gain a deeper understanding of their emotional reactions and behaviors in situations.

Now that you have this awareness, you can be vulnerable. This is done by understanding your own internal fears and how they drive your behavior, acknowledging and resisting the drive to act in a manner that moves you in the opposite direction of building vulnerability, and, instead of reacting from this place of fear, defensiveness, and self-preservation, open yourself up to your partner.

Perhaps you are the person always giving the silent treatment when you feel hurt. Instead of clamming up in these situations, you start by acknowledging the underlying fear driving this unhelpful behavior (i.e., perhaps you are afraid of being rejected or you would feel silly about how you feel) and choose an alternative behavior (i.e., discussing your feelings calmly, inquisitively, and openly with your partner) with the ultimate goal of elevating intimacy by being more open, present, and vulnerable.”

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